i had been spinning my emotional and mental wheels for a couple of weeks....furtive phone calls and emails to friends, relatives, strangers...anyone i could think who might help with the issue of the nursing home folks putting mom in the wheelchair and letting her roll blindly [literally - she had her eyes shut tight for the final month of her life here]. she had fallen several times and run into walls and slammed her hand in a door.
and yet the rules are : "...she has a right to fall."
some rules just plain SUCK!
i demanded a meeting with the home staff and the ombudsman [whose job it is to remain impartial and see that the family and patient are heard].
i had confided in my boss, frantic for help, and she told me about the ombudsman and the role they play.
we had our meeting and i felt heard and many things came from it - it did give me a tiny sense of control.
turns out that i was not looking just to prevent mom breaking her neck falling from the chair or a better 'situation' for her. seems i was really searching for a little bit of control in what was happening - to her, to me, to our family.
AND, i was trying to prevent her death.
i did the "death and dying" steps, as i've mentioned before, all out of order and have gone back and forth with them.
it was not until the week she died that i did the 'bargaining' step.
i recall standing in the RR at work and watching myself, hearing myself as i actually said "what if i don't want her to die? how about if i find a great new drug? maybe just one more month will do it?" and so on.
and as i watched and listened, i thought how silly i must sound.
you see, knowing things, when something will happen, visions of events yet to be, is not always cool. in fact it is often a pain in the heart.
i had known for sometime that mom would die on the weekend of the intensive retreat at earthsprings.
MELH had responded to my desperation on the sunday prior to the retreat with a wonderful pipe ceremony which brought comfort as well as confirmation of that knowing. Gratitude. pain and peace.
i had also known that i would be angry with my mama for dying when i was trying to have a good healing retreat. so when i got the hospice call as i sat at country kitchen with some of my spirit sisters, i was not surprised and YES i was quite ticked off! we were already on the road and now i would have to decide - many things.
one - do i stay and sit with her while she crosses?
another - do i approve even more medication which the hospice nurse agreed would not stop her death?
and - was i strong enough to walk away and let others handle the final 'arrangements'?
my sisters were willing to take me back to my house, but they felt, as i did, that i needed to be at my earthsprings home with my spirit "wrapped 'round with love" and acceptance.
so i made calls to my husband and to my brother and sister. and talked again with hospice and told them not to pump anymore poison into her veins.
everyone was encouraging me to, for this time, for this huge decision, do what felt best for ME.
and so i did - and on the way to earthsprings i was able to laugh and sing and have a good trip with my friends.
i was able to keep away the 'guilt-gremlins' and know that my physical presence was not what my mom needed at that point in her metamorphosis.
truth be told i may have been more of a burden had i stayed there at her bed.
so in my heart i reached out to hers and we agreed that we would never become disconnected again...that in this new phase of our relationship, we would bond strongly and communicate clearly in spirit.
that was friday morning into early p.m. when we arrived at the woods, LittleHawk met us and i told her 'mom is actively dying NOW'. she just enveloped me in a warm hug and said 'yes, and it is good you are here'.
those 2 weeks or so before this, that i was flittering around looking for help and for answers, i had been visited in dreams and visions by so many nature/critter medicine people. each with a comfort and a lesson for me.
think i shall do a post on each of them as they were wonderful to care for me that much.
do YOU know how much God/Universe/Spirit cares for you? i am beginning to know it and to absorb it. that is the 'great mystery' spoken of and it is no mystery.
late that friday night as we sat in the last of opening ceremony in circle i felt a tap on my shoulder ... a little hand laid gently on me saying it is ok. even as i looked i knew there was no earth-bound one to see.
it was most assuredly my mama's tiny little girl hand [as she had been in pipe ceremony] with a passing "ta-ta", "later gator" as she headed off with her big sis.
when i got ready for bed after that i just sat and waited for the call. i had made my hubby promise he would call when the time came and say the actual words...i needed to hear the truth and begin the next step.
and it came, in the quiet house. i heard LH answer and 4 of my sisters came to me saying it was for me.
so i stepped onto the floor and it felt like a stage. and i walked with my people to the other room feeling like walking in slow motion water. and i took the phone and said hi honey, to David, feeling so close to his heart and yet so very far away in space and time.
afterward, we sat, DF, LH, NL and i. for a couple of hours and i felt that i needed to say something. but not what...i was in a play and did not know my lines. and that was ok with them.
they talked and listened and waited with me until it was time to rest.
then, as my mother became one with the "Great Mother", i stepped into new roles too. elder. orphan. new identities.
someone mentioned 'grace' in describing me during that period of time and it was strange to me...i'd never thought of me like that. but that IS what i felt.
read a quote recently that 'graciousness can be learned, but grace can not' ... one has it, or not.
another aha and another new role for me.
my mom had a thing she would say when she was in great pain and thought that no one believed her or could understand it. she would say
"i wish you could feel this ... just for a minute, all this pain ... i wish you could feel this!".
on the day after she died she came to me in meditation and great ripples of peace poured over me. and i floated.
my mama's spirit was so calm and filled with true contentment. and she said
" i wish you could feel this...".
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