in this moment

came across some earlier journaling on mom - this is from 2007

she sits on the bed, in the nursing home, where she is surrounded by people in all stages of some grand and tedious, insignificant and amazing task.

they may be other residents, visitors, or care-givers, all coming to terms with whatever role they have been given, or have chosen, to perform in the last act of the play. those who have figured it out have, in layman's ,terms "lost their freakin' minds".

she sits there amidst the chaos, my mom, and she giggles. like a little girl; swinging her feet, clapping her hands, she giggles from a place somewhere deep inside that tells her is it ok. OK! it's ok to let it out/to be "age-inappropriate". what she is laughing at, who really knows? her room mate has just dropped a bowl of food with a loud clatter and the attendants don't seem to notice and it smells really bad in here. but her giggles are like a benevolent virus and my brother and i catch it (even though we both cover our mouths and try really hard not to inhale). so we spend several minutes in gales of laughing tears.
it is new to experience REAL fun with our mom. she started this way of being a couple of years ago; and no, it is NOT a journey...nor is it a pathway to heaven ...nor has it been a bowl of cherries - it IS a way of being.

in her own words "i just know i am here NOW".

for that i am so grateful. that in this altered state that holds my mom like a web holding spider's prey, suspended, we are laughing. that just for now we can hold hands and swing our feet together, being silly and not giving a bleep what others think. it is, of course, harder for my siblings and me as we still have that inhibitor that passes for a brain, or good manners, or 'correct behavior'.

but mom has no need of that now. she has freed herself of the nagging monkey-mind and is now "free to move about" the universe as she pleases.

chapter 3 - D & L hit LA

pulling into LosAngeles at 3 am on a freeway with 8 lanes, each direction, after spending our previous night rides on tiny 2 - 4 lane I35 or loop 820 was just the beginning of culture-shock-arama. we were bombarded and amazed at the same time. at least for me, all 3 months we stayed in LA were full of surprises and lessons and only by God's grace did i manage not to end up in jail or dead.

we called David's grandpa, who lived in Englewood, just outside LA, when we finally figured a way off the freeway. and waking a man that early, when he had no idea we were coming, was probably not the best intro., but he opened his door to us and provided shelter for several weeks.

it was with some reluctance as - in LA too - racism was so rampant and he actually feared for his safety, having me living there.

the honeymoon was short - like 2 days [including the trip] - David got a job the 3rd day there and we got down to the business of finding 'our own' place. working at the carwash was not a real money maker but we did manage to find someplace to be alone. it was a motel on imperial hwy. when we hurried to Grandpa's to tell him we would soon be out of his way and we told him the address he just about collapsed. he said 'but that's in the middle of WATTS!'

D and i just looked at each other, naive as we were - both of us saying we had thought that watts was in NY. G'pa was really upset but we insisted we would be fine and he was relieved to have us go, so all was well - well as we could have it then. we had noted the burned out sections of old buildings and brown-grassed lots but we just thought we were living in the poorer side of town / never ocurred to either that we were renting a room in the area of LA that had just 5 years or so before been the scene of horrible rioting and fires and such.

but we were determined to make a 'home' of where ever we lived.

lots of interesting things happened in and around that motel. bright pink stucco, with palm trees and a little grass here and there made up the ambience. while out at a drive-in movie one evening the room was broken into and my grannie's clock radio was stolen along with a stereo a friend had loaned us. it was sad.

we had a hot plate and on it we warmed cans of soup for meals. we had a mouse for a pet - he wouldn't stay out of the room so we adopted him and named him M. one night a noise woke us and outside our window in the back 'courtyard' were police with guns drawn standing on the stone fence, a copter overhead, police cars, etc. apparently a chase happening...we ducked down behind the bed and just waited til all was quiet again...and we were fine lying cuddled on the floor [i was hoping mouse M would not come out though].

there was an event while David was working one day that was interesting - our neighbor, the 'working girl', came knocking on our door asking me to hide her from her pimp! of course i did...frightening as it was. he gave up after a few loud minutes and left so we talked a bit and she thanked me then left. David tried to tell me not to talk to strangers but when you don't know anyone everyone is a stranger unless you give them a chance.

met a man at the park one day who tried to make an indecent proposal to me but being so uncool i totally missed it and he gave up. met another at the laundromat & he did not hit on me but was really nice, introduced me to his wife, and we would talk when we were there at the same times.

and it was so funny that i could just say "hi" and immediately the response was "Texas, right?" what a drawl i must have. and so many folks said there was no way we were really married - not in Texas! funny funny times.

yeah, some of our time in LA certainly was hard...but boy did we have FUN>going to the beach, burying D in the sand, splashing in the surf; seeing the tar pits, matching our footprints to movie stars at the Chinese theatre. & concerts!! oh my-some GOOD music. and just looking - at the people and the fast-paced life style [frankly much too fast for us].

and of course the mountains and the gardens and griffith park and and and ...

reading to each other and acting out the parts in paperback novels. when we got a kitten later that year we named him Bilbo Baggins after some of our readings...is that odd honeymoon behavior? reading? ah, but the way we did it was certainly not boring!

while we tried to make ends meet we also looked out for different jobs that would pay better...i found an ad in the paper one day and pointed it out, jokingly to David...it said "hey there, little David...we need you." we read it and seems they needed actors - who woulda thunk? in Hollywood? - and were looking for all types. so for a lark we went down to talk to them about little David! AND HE GOT THE JOB! my David - a movie star!!

we still have his portfolio of photos and they are soooo good. he landed a part in what was billed as the 'first all black western' being made. i often wonder how our marriage would have fared if spirit had not intervened to halt that project. it was a painful and sad intervention in the form of David's dad dying and necessitating our return to cowtown to be with family [even if they were not all thrilled to see me].

first of course we had to figure out how to get back as our poor old IMP had about worn out and needed big work before going another 1200 miles...and we had no $. so i guess next chapter we can get to that part of our early days ... July 3rd, 1970, David E Crear, dad of my David died.

TBC