IT (no S.King, not you)

lots of talking about "IT". sitting with "it", looking at "it", being with "it"... ah listening to "it".
suppose it can be a lot of things. whatever one is focused on at any particular moment can be 'it'. of course in this blog we mean grief. and the little miracles that come along with it.
so i have spent much time recently trying to get close to IT. and ya know what! when i do get close there are times i turn around & run from it. i hide...
when i am all alone, no one else around. covers up again - over my head. hoping if i shut my eyes IT can not see me. forgetting to seek the center. forgetting to breathe.
and then awaking to joy once again. a simple thing like a concert in the street fills me up. a swim in the pool does the same. and that gorgeous sunset the other night.
the thing about IT is that we can still live with it. still have joy.
that is because we are given a life-line that allows us to tap into a great well of energy & renewal. i keep forgetting to open the faucet & slurp up the goodness.
i stopped the depression meds a couple of months ago & can tell that what ales me now, brings me down, precipitates tears is what i was missing when i was on them. the medication not only took away the "edge" the docs & therapists speak of, they stopped me from feeling the pain. delayed the real grieving.
when i told the doc i was ready to get off she asked why. curious question. because i am done hiding, i am ready to be IN IT. i don't think she really agreed but she trusted me (which says a lot). i used some tact this time (not always the case for me i know!) & told her what i know docs need to hear as far as being better & being able to cope. did not share that i really needed to feel.
that the meds kept me cushioned. made the blows a bit softer, the anger less sharp, the pain not so heavy. and (see the guilt post) some layers of the grief were not even visible in the fog of medication.
one can go around, over, under all the "ITS" but it is only when we go through it that we begin to grow.
now, without that padding, i am beginning to re-feel the sadness & all those other grief-labels. but now i also am feeling life's joy. so, while i may cry often-loud-long, i laugh & sing & dance just as often-loud-long. maybe more so.

and last but not least...

here comes GUILT; dragging its lazy ass out of the starting gate! what took you so long? was it i holding you back? were you invisible?
imagine the invisible runner.
maybe you were just waiting until the audience (me of course) became complacent. smug.
and, please, dear reader, do not even ask who will be first crossing the finish line. in this marathon there is no winner. there will be no finish line to cross. no parade on my psychic main street. and certainly no confetti! this is a lifetime event...it will not end in victory nor in defeat. it will not end.
ok marathon metaphors aside, i am finally-> 2 + years after my mom crossed over-> feeling those grotesque gut twistings. those emotions that feel like they have been masquerading all along (oh no - groans here) in a charade that only now is recognizable. the mask fell the cloak dropped the game ended.
ok ok - >
this was meant to be a serious soliloquy on my current unwanted & yet unavoidable aquiescence to the one feeling that i had hoped beyond hope would not come to me. i actually had the audacity to think that i could escape it. i am so much more enlightened than that! i am soooo past those thoughts.
my arrogance has been amusing when i look back and really see it.
how could i have done so? how could i have deceived myself so successfully?
well i guess that is not the main question here is it? the real question is what do i do now? the old response is to fall into the guilt head first & wallow.
i am choosing not to do that.
i could keep pushing it back even now, seeing it...i could ignore it for a while longer. ah but that only delays the depth of the pain. and ignoring it is painful too somehow.
so i have decided to post it. admit it - out loud. to me. to you. to God.
and even as i write that last part i know i am forgiven for any perceived guilt. mom has certainly no reason to bother with trifles like that now. anything i think i might have done differently for her is moot. it is human to feel that other decisions might have lead to other outcomes. and Mom obviously has no need of human things now.
and God forgave before i knew what i was hiding. my tiny little ego self can hide from me but not from God.
you, my reader, will most probably forgive me too. and family ... i know you hold no qualms toward me. so the trouble then of course again is me.
can i look regret (for action not taken quickly enough or thoughts unexpressed or choices made in fear instead of wisdom) in the distorted face and say i forgive myself?
maybe. i will work on it. i will sit with the leftovers of fear and release them. i will stand up against the temptation to lean into anger. and when the depression revisits i will simply explain that it is not welcome here. yeah i will work on it. and i will be free of it. i will.