IT (no S.King, not you)

lots of talking about "IT". sitting with "it", looking at "it", being with "it"... ah listening to "it".
suppose it can be a lot of things. whatever one is focused on at any particular moment can be 'it'. of course in this blog we mean grief. and the little miracles that come along with it.
so i have spent much time recently trying to get close to IT. and ya know what! when i do get close there are times i turn around & run from it. i hide...
when i am all alone, no one else around. covers up again - over my head. hoping if i shut my eyes IT can not see me. forgetting to seek the center. forgetting to breathe.
and then awaking to joy once again. a simple thing like a concert in the street fills me up. a swim in the pool does the same. and that gorgeous sunset the other night.
the thing about IT is that we can still live with it. still have joy.
that is because we are given a life-line that allows us to tap into a great well of energy & renewal. i keep forgetting to open the faucet & slurp up the goodness.
i stopped the depression meds a couple of months ago & can tell that what ales me now, brings me down, precipitates tears is what i was missing when i was on them. the medication not only took away the "edge" the docs & therapists speak of, they stopped me from feeling the pain. delayed the real grieving.
when i told the doc i was ready to get off she asked why. curious question. because i am done hiding, i am ready to be IN IT. i don't think she really agreed but she trusted me (which says a lot). i used some tact this time (not always the case for me i know!) & told her what i know docs need to hear as far as being better & being able to cope. did not share that i really needed to feel.
that the meds kept me cushioned. made the blows a bit softer, the anger less sharp, the pain not so heavy. and (see the guilt post) some layers of the grief were not even visible in the fog of medication.
one can go around, over, under all the "ITS" but it is only when we go through it that we begin to grow.
now, without that padding, i am beginning to re-feel the sadness & all those other grief-labels. but now i also am feeling life's joy. so, while i may cry often-loud-long, i laugh & sing & dance just as often-loud-long. maybe more so.