then i had surgery 3 weeks ago and something shocking and completely unexpected happened. i awoke from the anesthesia in a state of absolute panic - FEAR took me over and hid the happiness i hold so dear.
i have spent these past few weeks searching for it. wise and generous friends have helped me recover it. AND, i have a plan, an agenda now for getting rid of the fear and disolving the panic...and it is already working. as soon as i really released the anxiety of the loss, the happiness resurfaced. it had been covered over with layers of seemingly uncontollable emotion and pain.
the fear was of dying, simply put. i could not breathe, or so i thought. maybe the anesthesia brought some deep-rooted issue to the fore and caused it...i intend to get to that real issue and deal with it with the help of a therapist and a shaman and my loved ones.
even during the car wreck in '08 i did not lose the happy - read 'dimensions' post. all that i experienced during the spinning of the car and the surrealness of it did not take away the fact that i have joy in my life. even the passing through the dying part of all those dimensions in that wreck did not derail my connection to the goodness of the universe.
somehow though this surgery did knock me off that track. held me in a grip that i could not shake and put me in agony. i know i allowed this - that is not a blame or guilt or fault statement; it is just the truth. i have to find now how i let the fear overcome my determination to be happy. and i will. because, i believe, happiness is a choice!
so today i can type this to you and say in total honesty that i have re-found my happy.
in joy renewed i give gratitude:
to YOU who have stood by me and advised me and 'partied' with me (& for me when i could not do it myself).
to this amazing life.
to God.
to ME.
