Out with the old ...

From an online dictionary:
auld lang syne = (ôld lng zn, sn)
noun ...The times gone past; the good old days.
[Scots : auld, old + lang, long + syne, since.]

Well i don't know that i would call 2008 the good old days (when were the good old days? anybody know?)...but the point here is to acknowledge and honor its having been and its passing. Also to say a word of gratitude.

so i sit here on new year's eve; listening to the same old jumble on tv, staring at the computer and thinking 'how do i manage this?' then i receive a note from a friend which spurs me to write it out as i see it.

Just this one year has brought so much pain. Yet there in the middle of it is the joy.

It is as MaryElizabeth said in that note just now - the flavor of life is both sweet and sour, LOUD and gentle; laughter and sadness at the very same time - the melding of all the tastes of life.

What a menu we have from which to choose....
life and death are the same / the bitter and the sweet, the harsh and gentle have to, must, exist in juxtaposition in order for us to taste the whole meal.
My advice would be to order something from each food group or you may miss some of the texture, aroma, relish.

that is a fear i have had since i was tiny - that i might miss something.
now i understand better what it is i want NOT to miss - life's bounty.

i re-read the "momisms" post and did not laugh this time but decided to post anyway.
it all was so hysterically amusing at the time and yet soooo very heart-wrenching. bitter and sweet.

Reliving the year lead me to see the car accident again. It HIT me with those things that are still gelling and mixing. revealing many levels of realities and dimensions.
that i am alive and i am dead. that i have to have ALL the flavors and i would not want it any other way.....

So here is a mixed yet grateful goodbye to 2008 and a prayer for the bringing of renewed awareness into '09, and beyond.
Farewell to this year and all its lessons, challenges, comforts and learnings...with all its unbelievable twists and turns.
Like a good mystery novel - but now we have to put it down.

A Happy and Healthy new year to you and yours.
Love all the lessons - and stay AWAKE so you do not miss any!

PEACE

Momisms...

Excerpts from emails and journal entries re: funny and sad things in the mind of dementia.
2/05
Yeah - gonna start just saving these emails [deleting any incriminating evidence]. I lost the 1st "momism" file a bit back (laptop crash).

SP keeps telling me we can sell this thing...,.a book of ? witticisms?
{am thinkin’ ‘twould probably be in the sci-fi section as no one will believe it. }
Makes you want to do like Diana on WAITING FOR GOD , when she stood out in the courtyard -- thrust her hands and face to the sky and screamed "God get me out of this cartoon?”

So many things come to mind. "PARANOIA WILL DESTROY YA" -- remember that old lyric?

I think God must have given us this "job" of raising mom for good reason.
IDEAS for book title=
"Quotations from mom - whoever she is" / "Psycho happens" / "Going in three circles : if you would just shut up and listen"
"Shut Up and Listen: Psycho Quotations from a 3-Circled Mom"
[she has been obsessed with the # 3 for a while now-significant to her somehow - she says 3 x's, 3 things, 3 people, 3 everything]
……..............................................
feels kind of like once you’re on a roller coaster and decide you really don`t want to ride , all you can do is hold on ! No telling where this ride is going to wind up -- especially with mom driving.
--------------------------------------------------------

Mom mentioned that her doc and his brothers own the SNF she is in.

From: L To: B Subject: spoke too soon
It is tuesday, 2/22, afternoon and ......
Well - it's like this... Seems mom has figured out which item in her room is the actual phone -
called me and said everyone at the “home” is leaving for a party and she will be alone with MACK [admin.] whom she refers to now as "jackass".
[Per mom, mack has sold some of his many nursing homes & is rich therefore they are partying] Must be the swingin' place to be!!!

And "There is no telling what he will do!!!!!!!!!!!" she says. “He is the one who got us to sign all those papers he made out".
[meaning the medicaid papers it took 4 of us 2 hours to get her to sign so she can get more $ assist.]
She wanted to be sure i will be waiting by the phone in case he comes to her room!

I said call the nurse on the call button if you get scared. She says there will be no one there. I say they may be in another part of the building but they have staff all the time!
She said that between 12 midnight and 2 am the staff all go out - and she only found out last night where they go... but she did not say where - just that they come back soaked!!?
She sounded really scared.

She mentioned that she just today "found out that there are NO LOCKS ON THE DOORs!" I reminded her that, when i was there on sunday, i told her there were none - even showed her that = no hole for a key / lock - and she called me a liar.
She said well it's stupid not to have locks - i said it would be stupid to have locks because some people would lock themselves in and not come out!!!!
Anyway i am to be on call in case “big badass” gets after her! Told her to call and i will speak to him if he comes in.
..................................................................................................
Other---isms :
1-TO B - "If you are cremated does your soul burn up?"
2 AND referring to some woman she used to know :
Mom - "She never speaks to me anymore." L - "Have you seen her lately?" Mom - "No!" L -"Why?" Mom - "She's dead !!!"
3 she thinks:
a that the port-a-potty is a telephone ... has asked several folks at the home to answer it,
b that no one works at FWNR from midnight until 2 am ,
c the laundry they bring down the hall is for sale,
d that small children hand out the meds at night,
e that she is in an apt, & someone keeps going thru her rr
f that there are "homeless people" up there all night selling drugs and cooking at the nurse's station, and on and on.
-----april, 05
1 says she will kill self if b and i do not change/ 'rearrange our lives to suit her'.
2 "If i am not in assisted living by the end of the month. i am going to kill myself!!!!" Told her that is her choice. B reminds me she has been threatening for most of our lives in one way or another - manipulating.
3 calls saying "We're goin home!' doc has said she can go - that medicaid is appvd for CBA. [Not true -Mack says he will talk again to doc re: getting w/program.]
She is NOT moving this weekend. She is pissssssssed. & now we go back to the suicide kick again.
4 She told B today she does not know why we will not do anything for her and if D & i did not live in this huge, beautiful house we could afford to get her a place
B tried to tell her we live in a little apt w/ stretched finances and we WORK...but she is determined that we are spending our fortune on a mansion.
5 She needs to go to the store because she needs to buy some 'girlie' stuff - she is 80 +.
B said he almost fainted when she told him it "will soon be the end of the month "& if she "does not get supplies it will be messy!!" !!!

6 As B packs her apt. stuff he finds what we now call the Museum of Medicine Mary =
18 bedpans / 12 ace bandages / multiple med bottles [w/ and w/o meds] /a few emesis basins /various braces / medical scrub soaps /several hospital wash pans and pitchers …quite a valuable collection!
7 per mom, doc has done an IQ eval = scored 180 ! DOC says @ last blood test he teased her about having 180 IQ [he insists she is kidding / i say no ; she believes it!]

in the midst of it all I found this eye-popping poem by ? about MY mom:

What Do You Do When Your Mother Is Crazy ?

"What do you do when your mother is crazy,

Hysterical, selfish, abusive, and cruel?

What do you do when really you hate her,

And it's all you can do to be distantly cool?
What do you do when you find her repulsive,

And the best of your memories are tinted with pain?

And now she is old, and needs to be near you,

And you cannot stand to be near her again?
How do you tell her the truth when the truth

Keeps accruing like some insurmountable debt?

When the horror that haunts you goes back to a moment

You cannot remember and cannot forget?
What do you do with your love when your love

Has been buried so long that you can't find its grave?

When love for a parent lies outside a window

Through which you imagine how people behave?
What do you do when whatever you do

Must cost more than the option you failed to choose?

For whether you turn to embrace or forsake her,

You're left with a burden you cannot refuse."

And as my lil bro says:
“I guess God gave us both a warped sense of humor to deal with things. I think it has made us stronger although it maybe difficult to see some times. Stronger or more bull-headed whichever , I`m not sure. Hey who needs sanity. Uh Oh . I feel another book coming on. “

REALLY letting it go...

i had thought my birthday was gonna be a wash-out last saturday.
my first one without my mom being here in person to badger me about my weight or to give those back-handed 'compliments' she was so adapt at doing. or a hug.

i had no idea i would miss her physical presence so much. afterall she went to a lot of trouble and pain to bring me here (though i have not always been so grateful of that).

my dear friend Shirley was planning on taking me to my fave diner - the spiral for dinner. and i had asked - at the last minute - a few very beloved others to join us. i heard from most of the folks saying they could not or most likely could not make it...sad but ok we can have a quiet tete a tete, just me and Shirl.

then she called and was too ill to go. by then the hysteria which had hit that a.m. when i awakened to the serious sadness of no mama to call me, had abated. partly because i had listened to some Wayne Dyer stuff and he had reinforced my already knowing heart that what is , IS. and we cannot hurry life along or count on plans turning out as we envisioned.
so i was in a place where i could really say to S that it is ok - when it is the right time we will go to my bd dinner and it will be good.

i am ok here making Christmas caps and singing quietly.

Then i realized that i DID want one thing for the day - my MELH birthday song. so , thinking i was on her cell, i called her at what i thought was her mom's. the phone did not ring - here or there.
we just picked up at the same time. after a few mins she said "oh did you call ME?' and i said "yes, did you call ME?' funny.

so MELH took me to the spiral where we had a wonderful visit and mainly oooohhed and awwwwed at the miracle of spirit and God's funny sense of timing.

as we visited, M's face lit up and i thought she must be seeing my mom as i had felt her with us the whole evening. But it was earthly angel Maggie.
she came too! and we 3 had a great little meal and talk and i felt the day had indeed turned out as it was meant.

while i rolled back down memory lane i recounted how i was born on dec 20th in the days (somewhat later than dinos but earlier than birth innovations of today) when moms stayed in the hosp at least 3 - 5 days after giving birth.
also in those days, am ambulance was required for the trip -in its infanthood it was sometimes station wagons. sometimes HEARSES!

so , yeah, you guessed it - a few days after i tentatively arrived on earth i was transported home with my mom in a HEARSE....but not before the driver got lost and drove us straight through the cemetary!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i ask you - as Maggie and ME both agreed - is that not descriptive of my trying so hard to hang onto the ground while wanting to fly away?
i almost literally, at about 3 days old, had a foot moving towards home and a foot above the grave!

we all laughed and then considered the amazing plan that God has always had for me and the challenge that is this life here on this planet.

So happy birthday to me - 60 is good and i am glad. And i plan a big blow out when the weather is good ... mark your calendars for the spring (tba) and plan on celebrating with me the fact that i can have a birthday every day if i want.

SO CAN YOU! happy birthday to you all.

no santa, virginia

got a call last night from my 'baby' in florida. Y. is just 4 and she wanted to tell me that santa is made up by people who want folks to celebrate Christmas but think they will do it only if there is "make believe" afoot. heavy sigh.

i tried so long even after i knew our son was onto the whole santa thing. i tried to explain/ convince him of the wonder of the whole season.
i think that really drove him from it - the idea of a magical event.

now i DO agree with Y that this season has really gone too too far out there and people who have no clue as to the celebration's roots have joined in to make merry and drink, eat, get freebies (another reason i send donations instead of gifts or i make the gift ... it benefits others and it is from the heart).

what i don't like is the loss of innocence and mystery. it's good she is learning and expressing on her own or with her Baba and Mama's help.
BUT my own interp of santa has always been a bit different from what i was taught as a child.
(aside from the argument that St Nick was a real guy who did good things for kiddos)
i learned at 9 that my grandpa 'played' santa at the local dept store and had my own version of him just helping the 'real' one...though i knew there was no guy in red longhandles riding in a big sled lead by heavy headed deer just flying around the world (tho that is fun to imagine).

my thinking (and in my class room of 3-5's i always told them the truth about how i feel without stepping on any home traditions or destroying any lasting hopes) my thinking was and still is that santa is a word used to describe ANYONE who has a good heart and puts it to use.
those who feed the needy and nourish the hungry/thirsty, and lend listening ears to those in tears. it is the person who takes compassion to the step of ACTION and actually gives.
without expecting any big return, we become santa in the best way when we share.

so i must differ a bit with baby Y - for me the spirit of santa will always exist in my heart.

'Don't Should on Me!'

My spiritual advisor, whom i miss terribly since his move up north, is so full of good ones i thought i would just jot this one down here.

He told me so many times to let go of the guilt. To stop regretting, allow myself to be human, get over the ego-thing that tells us we have to do it all and do it all right.

This was most probably in our counseling sessions dealing with mom's emotional hold on me. I could never be the perfect daughter i had tried to be. Nor have i been anywhere close to being the perfect wife, mother, friend, anything.

But that is oK.

What snags us up is that 'should have' thing. I should have hugged my son more; i should have been able to keep our family together when i was 7 and my dad left; i should have ________fill it in as i know you have your own.

Know this - it is not about what we should have done - it is about what we learned from the decisions and choices that we made. We make them from what we are equipped with at that point in life.
Choices are often the lesser of the 2 most painful or hardest or uncool options.

I did what i could with what i knew and it was my best at the time.

So, i tell myself - and others - don't should on me anymore.


I really want to design a tee shirt with that on it. Maybe one of those big circles with the red line through it with the word should crossed over.

it begins with a sigh, a dance and a song

i am not really sure what i am doing here (take that anyway you want). I have been inspired by MaryElizabeth and her desire/need to create a connection with our life on this planet. Gratitude Lady Hawk for that inspiration.
I want to share my experience with a close companion for several years now - GRIEF.
We grieve for many reasons and in many ways. I guess i hope to just share my way with you - and be assured, my way is not THE WAY. And it changes moment to moment - it may come in tears or in bursts of laughter or in a dance or song. I write. A lot. My journal is my close friend.
Be gentle with me as i am raw with so much emotion.
Read if you will a bit about my mom's transition from her earthly body to a glorious spirit who is now attuned to all the mystery and joy of REAL LIFE.

Chapter one - the END

After a long and painful transitioning dance with dementia/alzheimer's, my mom and i said goodbye in April this year. The last days of her life (well not the very last - that was a depth of anguish to which i had never before gone)...but a few months prior were the very best days of our relationship. We were able to relate without words - words which often in our 'regular' lives got in the way and caused more pain and which did not really MEAN anything.It was near the end when i sat with her and rocked her and called her MY baby that she reached out to me without any verbage at all.I sang - she liked Amazing Grace and God granted me the ability for that period of time to sing on key! When i sang and rocked she calmed and even slept peacefully - PEACE was so fleeting for her near the final tour-je-te' with this disease of hurt and of blessings.

She spent her last days trying so hard to leave and yet not wanting to go.
Wanting peace so badly. And when it came i accepted it on some level and rejoiced in it. But i have not yet made it to the gutter of my feelings and have had many other events that came after her death that have brought me to a totally different reality and a less furtive search for answers. You know that there are none, right? You make your own answers - you and spirit.

November 29 was her EarthBirthday and it was not as hard as i thought it might be. I awoke with her breath in my ear like when she hugged me as a child...a whisper that "i am here". And i talked with her a bit and wished her a happy birthday.
My sweet grand daughter asked me that day if i had sung to her the happy birthday song - i had not thought of that and so we did.

Chapter two - Other Things Before/Between

i forget. A LOT.

as mom's dance with dementia became a random-seeming mix of slowfastslow i found myself an unwitting (albeit, willing) partner.

keeping up the metaphor if you will allow dear reader, the pas de deux of dying was not meant for two - not 2 earthlings anyhow.
dying is that alone thing ... it is a transitional alamande only for you and God (eternal life force, spirit, creator).

AND YET I WOULD NOT LET GO OF HER HAND!

if you know me at all you may have noted a bit of obstinance here and there [ ;0) ]. and, ok, obsession. in a healthy way it shows as perseverance and loyalty and dedication. Unhealthily it can almost be the curtain call - yeah i guess i was determined to hold on until the curtain did fall and by then i was so heavily committed that i felt i may need to be COMMITTED!

what i really wanted to say here is a bit about all that other stuff that was [and is] going on since that day in fall '04 when i felt my mom slide into a totally different rhythm. she was talking; arguing the negative to each place my cousin and i suggested to stop for lunch. We were having a really uncomfortable road trip....really.

My cousin asked "well then," politely mind you, " where would YOU like to eat?"

no reply no movement nothing and then a click, tiny, in the aura around mom.

i sat in the seat behind her and i waited and i knew - i knew i knew and i did not address it except to say to my cuz that "this IS odd".

that was the day the two step began - maybe i should say side-step.Grief can be so scary. knowing life was about to change bigtime with that little glitch in our conversation, i did some really fancy footwork - it's called denial.
we greeted '05, my brother and i, by arguing with the doctor trying to get a diagnosis....this was finally accomplished much later ... after moving her from her apt to assisted living and finally to the nursing home.
what really helped get him on board was the nursing notes from a hospital stay (stay # 60, i believe)...that she tried to strangle a nurse, called 911 for help, called me at home to tell me of the zombies in the hall, tried to use the port-a-potty as a telephone [ for real].

i think what cinched it was our getting power of attorney (which was a really wicked-feeling struggle).

i got medical POA and B. got the general POA.

that is when the doc decided he might have to change his way of dealing or not dealing; he was in greater denial than either my bro or me.

Without the POA we had no way to help her as long as she was making wild and crazy decisions for herself.

As i was saying - other things. maybe i'll just list them here and do separate musings on them as this is getting to be a rather long story.

OK - chronologically :

march '05 - our son overdoses on sleeping pills and nearly dies ... coma, stomach pump, resusitation. he still calls me daily, per our agreement afterwards, to say "I am alive".

10 days later - my bro and i discover we have a maternal YOUNGER sister! that's definitely a story for later. wow! a definite stressor yes but such a joy in this turmoil.

thanksgiving and Christmas, 05 - i am not able to bring Hellen, my ward, home for the holidays as i am trying to manuever my mom in and out of the festivities and just can not cope.

november 3, '06 - Hellen drowns in the bath tub at the small group home where she lives. her case is still pending in the system - as of 12/08. it is a complete shock and i am still reaching for the peace i need for the loss.

january, '07 - our daughter in law leaves for florida, moving our younger grand babies far away. i fear for our son's survival. his oldest babies are here and his youngest there.

My friend, J, dies. i speak (i think) at the funeral.

after, i go to the bank to wire $ to our son who has helped move the little ones and is now stranded w/no way home.

august, '07 - i step into a HUGE hole in the grass and sprain my ankle and entire foot so severely that i cannot walk for weeks. then a subtle nerve damage sets in and i will work for a year to heal from the incident. we move into a new apt and all i can do is watch and grieve.

by this point i am seeing the hole as an in my face expression of the despair i am feeling and knowing i have really stepped into a chasm that seems to have no light.

november, '07 - the birthday party. i know this is her last earth birthday and i must do something. so i invite all family, friends, anyone.

and we have a blow out. Mom is too weak to take out so we do it at the home and even though she does not get who it is for or what, she is the center of attention of all these people (whoever they are). and she enjoys it for real!

i am all emotion - this is the beginning of our last dance and we all sing happy birthday. and i cry and i greet folks and mom sings and smiles and i cry.

early '08 - i recall watching a musical presentation at the nursing home -

standing outside the room where residents are participating. i can not move. mom is lying face down on the table in front of her wheelchair and she is neither dancing nor singing.

i am quite literally overcome, paralyzed even, with the knowing and the feeling.

i have tried so long to force the dr and the staff and everyone caring for her that she is sinking. And they will not listen. Even friends and family do not seem to get the impact. i can not move. i cry outside the room.

for her and for me.

april 26, '08 - MOM dies.

may 27, '08 - i fall down the stairs @work (what is it w/all this in my face/feet stuff? how about a cosmic email noting that my foundation has been knocked down?)

i fracture my foot and 2 toes, sprain my knee - just generally fall apart.

i have not had time to process mom's death and now i am in ER getting morphine and wondering what the hell is happening to me. [oops - can i say that?]

now there is workers comp and all that to deal with and yes that nerve-thing sets into that foot too!

september, 08 - our son moves to florida...with the encouragement of his teen children and our blessings he leaves to be near his other kiddos: his 11 yr old stepson and his "baby" who, at 4, has missed him terribly and for whom he has grieved.

Was it Bach, in Illusions, who said (something like),

"goodbyes are necessary in order to meet again"?

It seems my life of late has been one series of incessant
and painful goodbyes.
And, yes, i do know we are and always will be ONE

with those whom we love...

but i miss them all

so much.

october, '08 - after a wonderful retreat at Earthsprings, my friend and i are on our way home. i am driving her car and we are doing 65 on hwy 287. a pick up driver [dodge ram ya know - couldn't be a little one] who feels he must do 90 + passes a vehicle behind us to the left and hits us from behind.

we are sent skidding and spinning across 2 or 3 lanes and somehow miss the traffic and end on the median facing the opposite way (more about directions later).

anywaaay - we spend the night in ER (again). we were almost home...missed it by 'that much'.

the car is totalled but we are both ok - concusion, contusions, sprains and strains. but oK. now in PT and awaiting release so the settlement can happen and we can get on with it.

november, 08 (thought you were done, right?) - my husband and i are sued. yeah. one thing you lose in the grief process is the daily awareness of things like paying old bills.

this is for the dental work i had done yrs ago and they are deciding right now to sue me.

you know what ? i am trying to pay for my mom's headstone...i have nothing left.

chapter three - a funny thing happened on the way..

this has gotten too depressing - even for me - so i will give you an idea of the funny things that happen with alzheimers. My siblings and i have come to call these "Momisms".

Please see the post on Momisms, as i have grown tired of re-doing this one (what? just being honest.).