Excerpts from emails and journal entries re: funny and sad things in the mind of dementia.
2/05
Yeah - gonna start just saving these emails [deleting any incriminating evidence]. I lost the 1st "momism" file a bit back (laptop crash).
SP keeps telling me we can sell this thing...,.a book of ? witticisms?
{am thinkin’ ‘twould probably be in the sci-fi section as no one will believe it. }
Makes you want to do like Diana on WAITING FOR GOD , when she stood out in the courtyard -- thrust her hands and face to the sky and screamed "God get me out of this cartoon?”
So many things come to mind. "PARANOIA WILL DESTROY YA" -- remember that old lyric?
I think God must have given us this "job" of raising mom for good reason.
IDEAS for book title=
"Quotations from mom - whoever she is" / "Psycho happens" / "Going in three circles : if you would just shut up and listen"
"Shut Up and Listen: Psycho Quotations from a 3-Circled Mom"
[she has been obsessed with the # 3 for a while now-significant to her somehow - she says 3 x's, 3 things, 3 people, 3 everything]
……..............................................
feels kind of like once you’re on a roller coaster and decide you really don`t want to ride , all you can do is hold on ! No telling where this ride is going to wind up -- especially with mom driving.
--------------------------------------------------------
She mentioned that she just today "found out that there are NO LOCKS ON THE DOORs!" I reminded her that, when i was there on sunday, i told her there were none - even showed her that = no hole for a key / lock - and she called me a liar.
She said well it's stupid not to have locks - i said it would be stupid to have locks because some people would lock themselves in and not come out!!!!
Anyway i am to be on call in case “big badass” gets after her! Told her to call and i will speak to him if he comes in.
..................................................................................................
Other---isms :
1-TO B - "If you are cremated does your soul burn up?"
2 AND referring to some woman she used to know :
Mom - "She never speaks to me anymore." L - "Have you seen her lately?" Mom - "No!" L -"Why?" Mom - "She's dead !!!"
3 she thinks:
a that the port-a-potty is a telephone ... has asked several folks at the home to answer it,
b that no one works at FWNR from midnight until 2 am ,
c the laundry they bring down the hall is for sale,
d that small children hand out the meds at night,
e that she is in an apt, & someone keeps going thru her rr
f that there are "homeless people" up there all night selling drugs and cooking at the nurse's station, and on and on.
-----april, 05
1 says she will kill self if b and i do not change/ 'rearrange our lives to suit her'.
2 "If i am not in assisted living by the end of the month. i am going to kill myself!!!!" Told her that is her choice. B reminds me she has been threatening for most of our lives in one way or another - manipulating.
3 calls saying "We're goin home!' doc has said she can go - that medicaid is appvd for CBA. [Not true -Mack says he will talk again to doc re: getting w/program.]
She is NOT moving this weekend. She is pissssssssed. & now we go back to the suicide kick again.
4 She told B today she does not know why we will not do anything for her and if D & i did not live in this huge, beautiful house we could afford to get her a place
B tried to tell her we live in a little apt w/ stretched finances and we WORK...but she is determined that we are spending our fortune on a mansion.
5 She needs to go to the store because she needs to buy some 'girlie' stuff - she is 80 +.
B said he almost fainted when she told him it "will soon be the end of the month "& if she "does not get supplies it will be messy!!" !!!
in the midst of it all I found this eye-popping poem by ? about MY mom:
What Do You Do When Your Mother Is Crazy ?
"What do you do when your mother is crazy,
2/05
Yeah - gonna start just saving these emails [deleting any incriminating evidence]. I lost the 1st "momism" file a bit back (laptop crash).
SP keeps telling me we can sell this thing...,.a book of ? witticisms?
{am thinkin’ ‘twould probably be in the sci-fi section as no one will believe it. }
Makes you want to do like Diana on WAITING FOR GOD , when she stood out in the courtyard -- thrust her hands and face to the sky and screamed "God get me out of this cartoon?”
So many things come to mind. "PARANOIA WILL DESTROY YA" -- remember that old lyric?
I think God must have given us this "job" of raising mom for good reason.
IDEAS for book title=
"Quotations from mom - whoever she is" / "Psycho happens" / "Going in three circles : if you would just shut up and listen"
"Shut Up and Listen: Psycho Quotations from a 3-Circled Mom"
[she has been obsessed with the # 3 for a while now-significant to her somehow - she says 3 x's, 3 things, 3 people, 3 everything]
……..............................................
feels kind of like once you’re on a roller coaster and decide you really don`t want to ride , all you can do is hold on ! No telling where this ride is going to wind up -- especially with mom driving.
--------------------------------------------------------
Mom mentioned that her doc and his brothers own the SNF she is in.
From: L To: B Subject: spoke too soon
It is tuesday, 2/22, afternoon and ......
Well - it's like this... Seems mom has figured out which item in her room is the actual phone -
called me and said everyone at the “home” is leaving for a party and she will be alone with MACK [admin.] whom she refers to now as "jackass".
[Per mom, mack has sold some of his many nursing homes & is rich therefore they are partying] Must be the swingin' place to be!!!
And "There is no telling what he will do!!!!!!!!!!!" she says. “He is the one who got us to sign all those papers he made out".
[meaning the medicaid papers it took 4 of us 2 hours to get her to sign so she can get more $ assist.]
She wanted to be sure i will be waiting by the phone in case he comes to her room!
I said call the nurse on the call button if you get scared. She says there will be no one there. I say they may be in another part of the building but they have staff all the time!
She said that between 12 midnight and 2 am the staff all go out - and she only found out last night where they go... but she did not say where - just that they come back soaked!!?
She sounded really scared.
It is tuesday, 2/22, afternoon and ......
Well - it's like this... Seems mom has figured out which item in her room is the actual phone -
called me and said everyone at the “home” is leaving for a party and she will be alone with MACK [admin.] whom she refers to now as "jackass".
[Per mom, mack has sold some of his many nursing homes & is rich therefore they are partying] Must be the swingin' place to be!!!
And "There is no telling what he will do!!!!!!!!!!!" she says. “He is the one who got us to sign all those papers he made out".
[meaning the medicaid papers it took 4 of us 2 hours to get her to sign so she can get more $ assist.]
She wanted to be sure i will be waiting by the phone in case he comes to her room!
I said call the nurse on the call button if you get scared. She says there will be no one there. I say they may be in another part of the building but they have staff all the time!
She said that between 12 midnight and 2 am the staff all go out - and she only found out last night where they go... but she did not say where - just that they come back soaked!!?
She sounded really scared.
She mentioned that she just today "found out that there are NO LOCKS ON THE DOORs!" I reminded her that, when i was there on sunday, i told her there were none - even showed her that = no hole for a key / lock - and she called me a liar.
She said well it's stupid not to have locks - i said it would be stupid to have locks because some people would lock themselves in and not come out!!!!
Anyway i am to be on call in case “big badass” gets after her! Told her to call and i will speak to him if he comes in.
..................................................................................................
Other---isms :
1-TO B - "If you are cremated does your soul burn up?"
2 AND referring to some woman she used to know :
Mom - "She never speaks to me anymore." L - "Have you seen her lately?" Mom - "No!" L -"Why?" Mom - "She's dead !!!"
3 she thinks:
a that the port-a-potty is a telephone ... has asked several folks at the home to answer it,
b that no one works at FWNR from midnight until 2 am ,
c the laundry they bring down the hall is for sale,
d that small children hand out the meds at night,
e that she is in an apt, & someone keeps going thru her rr
f that there are "homeless people" up there all night selling drugs and cooking at the nurse's station, and on and on.
-----april, 05
1 says she will kill self if b and i do not change/ 'rearrange our lives to suit her'.
2 "If i am not in assisted living by the end of the month. i am going to kill myself!!!!" Told her that is her choice. B reminds me she has been threatening for most of our lives in one way or another - manipulating.
3 calls saying "We're goin home!' doc has said she can go - that medicaid is appvd for CBA. [Not true -Mack says he will talk again to doc re: getting w/program.]
She is NOT moving this weekend. She is pissssssssed. & now we go back to the suicide kick again.
4 She told B today she does not know why we will not do anything for her and if D & i did not live in this huge, beautiful house we could afford to get her a place
B tried to tell her we live in a little apt w/ stretched finances and we WORK...but she is determined that we are spending our fortune on a mansion.
5 She needs to go to the store because she needs to buy some 'girlie' stuff - she is 80 +.
B said he almost fainted when she told him it "will soon be the end of the month "& if she "does not get supplies it will be messy!!" !!!
6 As B packs her apt. stuff he finds what we now call the Museum of Medicine Mary =
18 bedpans / 12 ace bandages / multiple med bottles [w/ and w/o meds] /a few emesis basins /various braces / medical scrub soaps /several hospital wash pans and pitchers …quite a valuable collection!
7 per mom, doc has done an IQ eval = scored 180 ! DOC says @ last blood test he teased her about having 180 IQ [he insists she is kidding / i say no ; she believes it!]
18 bedpans / 12 ace bandages / multiple med bottles [w/ and w/o meds] /a few emesis basins /various braces / medical scrub soaps /several hospital wash pans and pitchers …quite a valuable collection!
7 per mom, doc has done an IQ eval = scored 180 ! DOC says @ last blood test he teased her about having 180 IQ [he insists she is kidding / i say no ; she believes it!]
in the midst of it all I found this eye-popping poem by ? about MY mom:
What Do You Do When Your Mother Is Crazy ?
"What do you do when your mother is crazy,
Hysterical, selfish, abusive, and cruel?
What do you do when really you hate her,
And it's all you can do to be distantly cool?
What do you do when you find her repulsive,
What do you do when you find her repulsive,
And the best of your memories are tinted with pain?
And now she is old, and needs to be near you,
And you cannot stand to be near her again?
How do you tell her the truth when the truth
How do you tell her the truth when the truth
Keeps accruing like some insurmountable debt?
When the horror that haunts you goes back to a moment
You cannot remember and cannot forget?
What do you do with your love when your love
What do you do with your love when your love
Has been buried so long that you can't find its grave?
When love for a parent lies outside a window
Through which you imagine how people behave?
What do you do when whatever you do
What do you do when whatever you do
Must cost more than the option you failed to choose?
For whether you turn to embrace or forsake her,
You're left with a burden you cannot refuse."
And as my lil bro says:
“I guess God gave us both a warped sense of humor to deal with things. I think it has made us stronger although it maybe difficult to see some times. Stronger or more bull-headed whichever , I`m not sure. Hey who needs sanity. Uh Oh . I feel another book coming on. “
“I guess God gave us both a warped sense of humor to deal with things. I think it has made us stronger although it maybe difficult to see some times. Stronger or more bull-headed whichever , I`m not sure. Hey who needs sanity. Uh Oh . I feel another book coming on. “
2 comments:
Wow, Linda! That was a powerful post. And, yes, it does look like a perfect taste of a book about the full experience that life is.
It reminds me of the best flavor combinations is food: sweet and sour, sweet and salt.
As I read it, the words moved more and more deeply in my being and then I felt laughter and sadness emerge at the same moment. It speaks so loudly and gently of the human experience.
The poem at the end is such a kicker. Amazing.
Thanks for sharing.
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