blogging on down the road

i have a new blog now : http://memoirbear.blogspot.com/.

the intent is to write a sort of memoir, memory log. a journaling of things i have found as i struggled out of the cocoon and tried to become the butterfly.

who knows - folks tell me my life has been full of so much excitement that i need to share and maybe do a book.

any editors out there? i could use an advance on the $. :o)

i actually took a class on writing fiction for profit...of course, even though this life may seem like fiction to those reading it, i assure you it is very real. many lessons are layed out for me to learn.

AND ...

i have decided that everyone needs a memory recycle bin. you place in it the memories that caused pain and trauma. once they are re-formed and the energy is rearranged, they become reusable in the form of teachings and the sting is taken away.

yeah - that's what i will give for presents this year...MEMORY RECYLE BINS for all.

happy holidays.

aha ~ reconciling suffering

[with gratitude to M.E.L.H. who posted "i should not be uncomfortable" on her ODD SOCKS blog]

i have for a long time been trying to get to the root of the idea that "life is suffering" [as Buddha said] and yet "pain is a given, suffering is optional" [i thought that DeMello said that but found that the Buddha, & others also spoke it].

well as another great, Mark B - my friend i have mentioned in other posts - taught me:

2 little truths that are opposites [or at least appear to be] usually equal the big TRUTH.

t + t = T ... hmm.

it is a very personally learned and lived with truth that i find many cannot seem to get when i speak it: i can be sad without being unhappy.

the piece by M.E. is so freeing regarding my attempt to find the 2 t's that become the big T here in all the pain of the last few years. it made me go - what? and then well of course, but.

then AHA!!!!

it is so simple and complex that i have to let go of all the thinking and just say wow. right.

it is true that we feel pain. in that respect we do suffer. but how we see the pain is the difference in suffering- as in being miserable and dejected and allowing that hurt to take over our perspective of LIFE.

i can give an example from my life with mom - just one of many. we went to moody, texas, mom's birthplace and home of my Aunt V on the farm. it was a couple of years before mom caught alzheimers. that visit was so full of joy for me. Aunt V and i reconnected and she even noted that there had always been a very deep and spiritual bond between we 2 that she never had with others...such a blessing to hear it from her, and at almost 90 years of age! sharp and feeling and beautiful woman of quiet strength and faith.

while there we visited also with my cousin and some family friends but it was on the farm, where my heart has always found bliss, that i wanted to be and with my auntie. i just found that trip to be inspiring and comforting; both Aunt V and i realizing there were only a couple more years of this life for her...and also content with that knowing. because without saying it we both also knew we would not lose our love-bond because of death.

we were each sad but definitely not unhappy.

my brother called me shortly after our return from Moody and asked "did you and mom go on the same trip last weekend?" this after my telling him about the pleasure it had brought me and Aunt V and all the gladness i felt.

i said that yes we had physically been in the same place and time but...

he said he had just listened to mom tell him that our aunt was just out of it and could not hear a thing and was on death's doorstep. she was distraught and very unhappy and complained loudly. obviously choosing to let the pain be the focus and wanting others to go with her into the suffering.

she had noted how rude and uncaring my cousin had behaved [my experience was that he chose not to put the pain up in neon lights. he and i had talked and i learned in just a very few minutes that he was suffering but was not allowing it to show].

of course the moral of the story is that it is that big T...we hurt, but when we allow things to become way more important than they need to be, then suffering becomes a way of looking a life in general. instead of accepting that which is uncomfortable we want to take a pill and get rid of it.
Mark said when mom died - as he did in other painful experiences i have faced - to "just be with it". do not seek to immediately get away from that which is not all light and easy. just see pain for what it is...universe's way of saying pay attention to what is real.

i say, i have learned to sit still and really be in it. sometimes it hurts like hell. but if i do not look at it and feel it i will not be able to put the pain and the suffeing in perspective and see that it is a part of life.

that does not mean i have to let it be my focus or my identity. i choose joy in the midst of grief. and i give thanks.

in this moment

came across some earlier journaling on mom - this is from 2007

she sits on the bed, in the nursing home, where she is surrounded by people in all stages of some grand and tedious, insignificant and amazing task.

they may be other residents, visitors, or care-givers, all coming to terms with whatever role they have been given, or have chosen, to perform in the last act of the play. those who have figured it out have, in layman's ,terms "lost their freakin' minds".

she sits there amidst the chaos, my mom, and she giggles. like a little girl; swinging her feet, clapping her hands, she giggles from a place somewhere deep inside that tells her is it ok. OK! it's ok to let it out/to be "age-inappropriate". what she is laughing at, who really knows? her room mate has just dropped a bowl of food with a loud clatter and the attendants don't seem to notice and it smells really bad in here. but her giggles are like a benevolent virus and my brother and i catch it (even though we both cover our mouths and try really hard not to inhale). so we spend several minutes in gales of laughing tears.
it is new to experience REAL fun with our mom. she started this way of being a couple of years ago; and no, it is NOT a journey...nor is it a pathway to heaven ...nor has it been a bowl of cherries - it IS a way of being.

in her own words "i just know i am here NOW".

for that i am so grateful. that in this altered state that holds my mom like a web holding spider's prey, suspended, we are laughing. that just for now we can hold hands and swing our feet together, being silly and not giving a bleep what others think. it is, of course, harder for my siblings and me as we still have that inhibitor that passes for a brain, or good manners, or 'correct behavior'.

but mom has no need of that now. she has freed herself of the nagging monkey-mind and is now "free to move about" the universe as she pleases.

chapter 3 - D & L hit LA

pulling into LosAngeles at 3 am on a freeway with 8 lanes, each direction, after spending our previous night rides on tiny 2 - 4 lane I35 or loop 820 was just the beginning of culture-shock-arama. we were bombarded and amazed at the same time. at least for me, all 3 months we stayed in LA were full of surprises and lessons and only by God's grace did i manage not to end up in jail or dead.

we called David's grandpa, who lived in Englewood, just outside LA, when we finally figured a way off the freeway. and waking a man that early, when he had no idea we were coming, was probably not the best intro., but he opened his door to us and provided shelter for several weeks.

it was with some reluctance as - in LA too - racism was so rampant and he actually feared for his safety, having me living there.

the honeymoon was short - like 2 days [including the trip] - David got a job the 3rd day there and we got down to the business of finding 'our own' place. working at the carwash was not a real money maker but we did manage to find someplace to be alone. it was a motel on imperial hwy. when we hurried to Grandpa's to tell him we would soon be out of his way and we told him the address he just about collapsed. he said 'but that's in the middle of WATTS!'

D and i just looked at each other, naive as we were - both of us saying we had thought that watts was in NY. G'pa was really upset but we insisted we would be fine and he was relieved to have us go, so all was well - well as we could have it then. we had noted the burned out sections of old buildings and brown-grassed lots but we just thought we were living in the poorer side of town / never ocurred to either that we were renting a room in the area of LA that had just 5 years or so before been the scene of horrible rioting and fires and such.

but we were determined to make a 'home' of where ever we lived.

lots of interesting things happened in and around that motel. bright pink stucco, with palm trees and a little grass here and there made up the ambience. while out at a drive-in movie one evening the room was broken into and my grannie's clock radio was stolen along with a stereo a friend had loaned us. it was sad.

we had a hot plate and on it we warmed cans of soup for meals. we had a mouse for a pet - he wouldn't stay out of the room so we adopted him and named him M. one night a noise woke us and outside our window in the back 'courtyard' were police with guns drawn standing on the stone fence, a copter overhead, police cars, etc. apparently a chase happening...we ducked down behind the bed and just waited til all was quiet again...and we were fine lying cuddled on the floor [i was hoping mouse M would not come out though].

there was an event while David was working one day that was interesting - our neighbor, the 'working girl', came knocking on our door asking me to hide her from her pimp! of course i did...frightening as it was. he gave up after a few loud minutes and left so we talked a bit and she thanked me then left. David tried to tell me not to talk to strangers but when you don't know anyone everyone is a stranger unless you give them a chance.

met a man at the park one day who tried to make an indecent proposal to me but being so uncool i totally missed it and he gave up. met another at the laundromat & he did not hit on me but was really nice, introduced me to his wife, and we would talk when we were there at the same times.

and it was so funny that i could just say "hi" and immediately the response was "Texas, right?" what a drawl i must have. and so many folks said there was no way we were really married - not in Texas! funny funny times.

yeah, some of our time in LA certainly was hard...but boy did we have FUN>going to the beach, burying D in the sand, splashing in the surf; seeing the tar pits, matching our footprints to movie stars at the Chinese theatre. & concerts!! oh my-some GOOD music. and just looking - at the people and the fast-paced life style [frankly much too fast for us].

and of course the mountains and the gardens and griffith park and and and ...

reading to each other and acting out the parts in paperback novels. when we got a kitten later that year we named him Bilbo Baggins after some of our readings...is that odd honeymoon behavior? reading? ah, but the way we did it was certainly not boring!

while we tried to make ends meet we also looked out for different jobs that would pay better...i found an ad in the paper one day and pointed it out, jokingly to David...it said "hey there, little David...we need you." we read it and seems they needed actors - who woulda thunk? in Hollywood? - and were looking for all types. so for a lark we went down to talk to them about little David! AND HE GOT THE JOB! my David - a movie star!!

we still have his portfolio of photos and they are soooo good. he landed a part in what was billed as the 'first all black western' being made. i often wonder how our marriage would have fared if spirit had not intervened to halt that project. it was a painful and sad intervention in the form of David's dad dying and necessitating our return to cowtown to be with family [even if they were not all thrilled to see me].

first of course we had to figure out how to get back as our poor old IMP had about worn out and needed big work before going another 1200 miles...and we had no $. so i guess next chapter we can get to that part of our early days ... July 3rd, 1970, David E Crear, dad of my David died.

TBC

sadness

i am so very sad today.  i do not know why.  it is may ~ the 23rd ~ saturday.  i do not connect this date to any specific event.  it is the day before my eldest grandson has his 16th birthday and that is a terrific thing!  so why be sad?

sadness is not the opposite of happiness i have known for a long time and i have found that the concept is hard for most folks to grasp.  i can be fundamentally happy and still experience a deep and disturbing lost feeling in my spirit.   i can dwell, content, in the life i have been given, the joys i am blessed to have...and still be sad at times.

i want to want to sing.  i love to sing and i sing to express most of my feelings...lately i will sing anywhere at any time.  

perhaps i am mistaking this as a sign of 'happiness' when it is really a symptom of mental illness. 

oh well - i wish i could sing today and maybe sing the sadness away.

but i do not even want to ... my mouth is dry and i am dizzy.  my heart is heavy and there is an opaqueness to my soul.

God help all of us who are so chained in this moment to the humaness of emotion and the pain of knowing we are not in control of our essence.

God let us all begin to realize that this lack of control is a gift in disquise.  a present wrapped so tightly that we must go to our strongest point of power, to our core, in order to open it.

once we unwrap it and accept it we can then allow the energy of what feels so heavy to return to its original state of light and love.

universal compassion

infinite sun

immortal moon

lead me to that place of being in harmony with all that is .

GRATITUDE.

"Moon Willow Bear"

eternal mother

Mom at three.i spent the last few days in the woods - at Earthsprings - same place i was last year at the same time. 0n the 26th of april, my circle of sisters in soul, marked the 1 year anniversary of my mother's crossing over ...with serious personal work on our inner selves and with a lot of laughing and playing. it was a great retreat - as they tend to be.

when i am with my spirit sisters it seems that the coldness and the aloofness of this 'unreal' world we inhabit day to day is blotted out. i feel that i am safe to be me and let go of the illusions the years have instilled in my ego-self.

i feel the warmth of the woods and the critters that live there are a deep part of me. it is as though i am truly at home when i am there.

i had no expectations and no preconceived ideas of what the weekend would bring for me in regards to my on-and-off depression.

for me it has not been a year since i lost my mama. it feels like yesterday and it also feels like it never happened at all. that she did not die.

there is a poem i recall that goes something like:

"Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, i do not sleep.

Do not sit at my grave and cry,

I am not there, i did not die..."

i don't know who wrote it. but to me it says that while the physical part of who i knew to be my mother is gone, her soul is now so joined with the universal spirit that she lives in everything.

she lives in each and every breath i take in and let out. she lives in my brother's eyes and my sister's hair. my mom lives in the sunrises and sunsets and lights up the night with her moon smile.

she fills the woods with wind and the ocean with waves. her face, once crunched in pain, now becomes a rainbow of lovely colors. the earth itself is full of her essence.

another little poem - one that mom used to read to me when i was very little - somehow feels appropriate as an honoring of her transformation. it goes like this:

"Little drops of water, little grains of sand

make the mighty ocean and the pleasant land.

Thus the little minutes, humble tho' they be,

make the mighty ages of eternity."

exhausted

exhaustion takes a toll
dropping to my knees i cry uncle
and agree i am done

folding into child's pose
i realize the goal of living is to
find the mortality

too tired to think of logic
i stretch arms outward into
the future sleep

i know this sounds a bit
like planning my escape but
not to worry

it takes a lot of strength
to stay alive sometimes and
yet i survive

stretch more now so i am
lying prone on the floor and
i see my soul

the darkness of it
becomes a soothing balm
for all the pain

seeing how that shadow
illuminates my body, & my brain
i let it light my heart

rolling over, now supine
everything in me is waiting
for my eye to open

so that i can clearly see

that grounded convergence

of the parts of me

and then i will feel IT

and then i'll be one with IT

then be free to rest

you MUST listen

Listen to this --->

I was a center director with Sr Citizens Svcs before i went into the data entry department at the central office.

I often miss the learning experiences i was gifted by the elders while i was there at the center.

This note is about what the whole group learned from one very special lady.
She is the stereo-typical MentalHealth impaired "street person" - schizophrenia - who wears as many of her clothes as she can at the same time, even in the summer; has a permanent-appearing scowl on her assymetrical face, and talks [often responding vehemently] to herself.
She was someone that others at the center seemed to want to ignore when she first started hanging around the community center. They did not know that she was a messenger.
That's probably the reason Spirit had me pursue her to join our group.
It took some time - greeting her daily when she would wander into the building. Helping her understand what i was asking from her: basically show up, give info for paperwork required, and get a good couple of meals each day. But what took longest was convincing her that she was REALLY WANTED!
I think she is not invited to do much...that she is accustomed to being ignored.
She gave in at last, saying "you really want me here?"

At first the other seniors just tolerated her. But they now have a great respect for her - she has proven to be a very active volunteer: cleaning up the table after lunch, decorating pictures for the wall.

Basically anything i would ask, she would do with dedication and earnestness.
But it is her voice that inspired awe in the whole group. I think that is what really won their hearts.

We had a program and she asked me if she could sing solo. I had not heard her, but i believe everyone who wants to sing should do it - with gusto.

So i said go for it [and prayed that the other folks would be kind if she did not stay on key or in tune].

And when she opened her mouth - well let's just say there is no ignoring her when she is using that gift. Her voice is amazing - deep and resounding and full of spirit!
She also used to wander in and out of the office [teaching me patience] throughout the morning. Sometimes she just want to be near; sometimes she was checking on my paperwork and [without the ability to read or write or add or ...] she would give me advice on how to "get it together" as she put it!

All of us need to be productive and to be appreciated.
Anyway, she came in one day and, in response to my telling her i had to do end of the month reports, she stated:

"Well you prob'ly got more days in this month than in the year round."
Now, considering the traumas i was experiencing in my personal life, that particular March did feel like an entire year; so she was right on the button - funny and even a bit profound when i read it again.
You have to at least listen, don 'cha? Voices come in all keys and notes and if you do not give them a chance to be heard, who knows what you might miss!
__________________________________________________

curiouser and curiouser

one of my mantras is 'how does it work?'; 'what's inside?'
i have had the need to see and know all things around me and beyond since i can recall taking breath.
i really needed to see those people in the radio. a soothing memory of my mom is her ironing, with the windows open, a fan oscillating and the radio tuned to"Stella Dallas" - a radio soap from the days when your imagination was allowed to make characters fit their voices and to 'see' with your ears and mind. i would be playing something quiet while she listened and she thought, i am sure, that i was oblivious to the story or actors. i held my curious head as long as i could - until the opportunity opened up for action. mom took some clothes into the other room and i hurried up onto the chair by the table that my 3 year old legs could not reach on their own.
i pulled the plastic and metal radio toward me and began to unscrew the little fasteners that held the back particle board onto it. i was just about to get the cover open when mom reappeared - and flipped out!
'stop' she shouted. 'you'll get shocked!' the thing was plugged in and of course she was right, now that i think on it.
but i was so disappointed. she had stopped me seeing those tiny, little faery-like people who lived inside that radio. why was she so nonchalant about listening in on them? did she not also want to see them?
i think that i grew curiouser and curiouser, a bit like Alice, as i got older.
i still keep the bits of my Cinderella watch that my granny bought me for my 6th birthday. it was so pretty and the second hand moved with such a precise rhythm bringing the other 2 hands along so very slowly. of course i needed to know what and how. it was easy to pry off the face. and the delicate, tiny parts that made up the time-ticking were just lovely. i really enjoyed exploring that watch. my main problem came though when i tried to put it back together. i couldn't. there were more pieces than when i began it seemed and the gear that should go here, would only fit next to the one over there...and you see the issues. i put it away with other things that somehow would not come back together, in the back of a sockdrawer somewhere.
in jr high we had to dissect a crayfish!
# 1 how gross is that?
#2 how gross is that for a vegetarian and animal lover?
Linn and i were lab partners. our victim had been kept in formaldehyde and tiny as it was, this creature had a really foul odor. so strong was the stench and the psychological effects of what we had to do, that Linn and i took turns with the whole activity. first she would do an organ removal, then go to the hallway to breathe while i went in to do the next cut.
the challenge [as if this wasn't enough] was to wrap up the parts, store them, and put them back in place the next day.
so we came in next afternoon and started our turn-taking routine and when we finished, there was an organ left over. see i told you there are more pieces when you start putting things back. well what could we do? we checked and re-checked, matched the parts in the book, held our breath and checked some more.
but nothing could be done for a dead, split crayfish with an extra organ. so we dropped the leftover piece into the ink-well in the old desk! next day the stench was still awful [DUH]. but we had turned in our 'project' and to our utter amazement we scored A's on it.
poor thing.
i still take things apart. jewelry that i remake into whatever shape interests me. movies that have no apparent end or that have intricate plots - got to fix those.
PEOPLE. i take people apart. mostly me. i take me apart. in dreams and stories. i over-think; analyzing everything i do and even what i think! :0(
over-think-analysis i believe it's called.
and the grief i have felt for so long now - i can not let go thinking it long enough to feel it or to integrate it. i keep taking it apart. maybe i should stick it in the back of the sock drawer too. or better yet, just drop it into the inkwell.
but even then i would still smell it.

the White Easter Peacock

here is another miracle - so appropriate for Easter too!

my friend lives on a goat farm and has many other animals living there. she has about 150 goats, 2 dogs, 5 cats, 1 LLama, and a rare WHITE PEACOCK who just appeared in the front yard one day about a year ago.

they have done nothing to encourage the bird, who is named BIRD, other than to talk to him and love him. they do not get special food for him - he eats goat food and other woodsie things he finds.

and he prances in the yard. he has a purpose for being there - i do not believe in coincidence or accidents - there is a cosmic purpose and Bird seems to know his.

he could leave as easily as he came but prefers to stay.

he sits on the roof {yes, of the house!} at night and sings out - we think for a mate or ??

when the baby goats stray from the protective pen just for the little ones, Bird uses his beak to herd them back into safety ... and he is VERY insisitent. i visited the farm last night and got to feast on the sight of this gorgeous creature with his snowy countenance and pure white, gleaming feathers. many quills lay where they have moulted out, and it is a bit like snow in the yard.

when i got home i decided i would see what powers and characteristics, what medicine this animal brings with it. so i opened the computer this morning to see what i could find.

i checked my email first and there he was...a picture i could swear is Bird, himself.

Sent by AngelFeather. it shows this wonderful guy in all his splendor and A-F had written how beautiful she finds him - so of course i wrote an URGENT note to her as MBO has again provided powerful magic.

i went on the net after that looking for info and am including a few of the charms of white peacock here ~

a feast for your own Resurrection on this Easter weekend.

"The peacock reminds us to see the beauty in all aspects of life.The Splendid Peacock possesses the following virtues: Respect, honor and love, long lasting relationships, seeing and knowing, protective power, dignity," ...

Thank you, Spirit, God....i needed that!

bumps in the night

I was, as usual, reluctant to go upstairs to bed, even though my mom and dad had told me I definitely could not stay up and watch “the Whistler”…a 1950’s detective series that began with a dark scene and a man off screen whistling…just whistling.
And being 6 or 7 was too young they said.
I was more curious than fearful and I tried every night to get a glimpse of the show. I sloooowly climbed the stairs peeking through the railing to try to see it.
Middle of the night came and I had a feeling of being approached. I felt something, some presence on the stairway though I could not see it from my bed. I listened and heard nothing. I asked me if I was awake and as far as I could determine I was.
But I could not bring myself to go look or to call out to my parents. So I lay there and waited.
Minutes later a shadow crept towards my open door. I could see it on the wall across the hall from me. I can still see the figure – a man I, wearing a trench coat and a hat that was the style back then. He had both hands stuffed into his pockets [amazing huh? that I could tell that from the shadow, but I swear that is what I saw]. As he came closer my fear froze me in place.

His shadow stepped toward my door and seeing it, I pulled the covers up over my head and prayed HARD.
I felt him come to the foot of my bed [how? I dunno]. I felt him look down on me. And then I slept.
Rather anti-climactic I guess. Next day I asked my little brother whether he heard or saw anything and he had no idea what I was talking about. I never mentioned it to my folks as I instinctively knew they would never let me watch the Whistler if they thought I was seeing things [which they already thought anyway].
So I dropped it and I do not recall ever seeing an episode of that show.
All a matter of childhood imaginings, right? Just a story remembered from long ago.
Fast forward to about 1 month later … summertime in the projects and lookin' for something to do. My brother and I ask if we can help our 15 year old neighbor baby sit and we get the ok. So we are ‘helping’ when one of the boys, about my age tells Charlotte, the sitter, that he is afraid and to please come upstairs.
We all go up and charlotte sits on a chair, I stand with my brother. The boy, Johnny, faces us [and the window] telling us how he felt. Then he glances up towards the window, screams and runs downstairs.

We all take off right behind him with no one looking back. When he calms down, he says he saw a man looking in at us. He can not give a description, but he is so sure that Charlotte calls his parents home and they call the police who say they've had other, similar reports in that area.

the police come and check it out - footprints on the roof of the porch cover below the window of Johnny's room. Also in the attic and connecting crawlspace in the apartments.
I have no idea what came of the search - we did not see the man again nor did i see the shadow of the trench coated man again.

Now for the most "hmmm?!" part of this whole little tale.

Fast waaay forward to 1978 when i am working at the FWSS. my co-worker & i became friends and had one of those 'finish-the-other's-sentence relationships. we had many of the same or similar feelings and thoughts on life in general.

so we were talking one day about our childhoods.

When SHE was 7, the very same shadow that i saw, visited her, too. We were the same age so that means she saw him during the same period of time i saw him - i lived in dallas at the time & she in a town in the northern U.S.

HHMMMM?!?
Just little bits of what makes life so very interesting. I feel somedays as though, when i awaken each morning, it is with a bit of trepidation mixed with a huge heap of 'oh boy - what's the joke today?'; and it is so great that i have people with whom to share these strange and funny experiences.

Red (& black & white) tape ; more D and me

of course there's redtape for any 'wedding' but ours was an elopement and for that i guess i am both grateful and sad - it would be so nice to have a real hullabaloo, swinging time,with all our friends and loved ones.

but circumstances and attitudes prevented that out-loud joy...instead we had a joy-on-the run sort of thing. i almost lost David when he heard we had to have blood tests [yes in those days dear children those about to do the deed had to have physicals and blood tests]. David hates blood and needles so he says maybe .... and i am like maybe nothin'. We will have BLOOD one way or another. once i commit to something i tend to take it through. so he gave up and offered his finger for a prick [just for little ol me].

That done, we went to get a license. interesting. 4 staff people behind the counter and none busy, but, none came forward to wait on us for a looooong time. had D and i been other sorts of people we might have jumped the desk and demanded attention ... but we waited. finally a brave worker came over and begrudgingly sold us a marriage license...i wondered if she was ostracized after by her co-workers. very brave of her to actually register a black man and white woman to marry in that day and age.

This of course, if i've not mentioned it, was our reason for eloping. David's dad liked me though we'd only met a couple of times. His mom did not. My mom however took it to a new level when she threatened to shoot David if he did not go away [mind you she has never owned a weapon, nor been violent in the time i knew her]. and since i was then 21 and living in my own place there was not much she could do. my brother was very supportive of my being happy and said as much ~ he was loyal and wrote to us often when we were away. My dad said "you are my daughter and as such, i know i would not be deterred by what others say, so ....do what makes you happy."

next up was where would we go to marry? recall i told you we were both naive folks and really did not have a clue about a lot of life. SOME of it we learned quickly the hard way. we had some friends who had gotten married the year before by one of our professors. So we asked him and he did not want to set a precedent and felt it would not do to be the marrying professor. We looked in the phonebook for justices of the peace etc. on TV it always seemed easy to elope - just drive to a small town and there would be a little old guy who served as mayor, sheriff and justice all at once. but in real life it was not working that way.

so on monday morning, 3/23/70, we went to school {TCJC} and found our friend Mike C. he was licensed as a minister for the Church of Universal Life. Under a little tree outside the S.U.B., on the campus, we were wed, at 10:50 am, between classes. Just the 3 of us present.

(When mom heard who had married us she hoped that it was illegal - this was in a letter begging me to come 'home' and that she would pay for a divorce and not say another word ever about this 'thing'. Mike was in the newspaper years later in a story about how many folks he had married and how some folks thought it was illegal but it was not and on ... anyway mom had to accept that we were LEGAL, though that was the least of our issues.)

after our wedding we spent the night with friends then went to each family the next day to share our 'good' news. well that is when mom talked about her shotgun...and D's mom just stared. then we hit the road for LA. David's g'pa lived there in Englewood and we decided to surprise him :0). THAT was interesting too.

BUt first - the road trip. oh the days of full service gas stations and 35 cent bread. have you ever stopped for $3 worth of gas [ a lot in those days], given the attendant a five, and waited simply to have him pocket it and stand leaning on a pump staring off into space?

Yeah - bless Buddha ... first do no harm. we sat a minute, each of us contemplating the outcome of anything other than driving on our way...so awaaaaay we went. $2 poorer, but in peace and not pieces...this one actually had a gun in his station window.

along the way we had a lot of glares and stares and occasional we 'don't serve your kind here' remarks. and there was the one pickup driver who swooshed by us on the highway just to slow way down and shake his rifle at us.

violent attitudes are best met with calm, quiet. i instinctively knew this and we both refused to be drawn into the mire of ugliness that seemed to be everywhere we went.

It was still a good trip - newlyweds making their way across country, stopping only for necessities. Spent one night in the desert as we had no idea how far the next town would be and we were near a gas station that would be closed until 5 am. So we slept in our good old impala with the pillow and blanket we had brought with us...and all felt right in that space of time...our world was one of love and tranquil dreams.

April 5, 2009

i am sitting here writing when i would like to be on my way home from a wonderful women's retreat at Earthsprings. i chose not to go as i am going to the intensive retreat on the last weekend of this month and i think i will need that one even more as it will be exactly one year after my mom's crossing-over and that is where i was - earthsprings - when i got the call that she had gone on / that's where i was surrounded by sisters who totally sat with me in the shock [even when you know it is coming it is always a shock].
MELH: if you had any ?'s about why you changed the dates of the intensive, look no further - it was spirit acting again to move Andrew's needs into play to prevent you being at Earthsprings on the original dates. it was spirit, knowing that he needed you and that i need you all.
therefore we will be.
so gratitude to God, cosmos, spirit...and to all those folks who said we will wait for MELH to have the intensive retreat. Thank you.
i am sitting here on the bed - have not been far from it since thursday last --> had to work at home friday due to internet issues at the job...so i just sat around working on my laptop, which means i did not go far from the bed. then sleep overcame me - i know = a symptom of depression / well no one is surprised at that - and i spent part of my 'work' day sleeping. so i worked more on saturday - that is, when i could keep my eyes open.
at least i am aware that i am feeling some heaviness at the approaching death-date of mom. at least i can say yeah i have issues and i need my circle to help me. i talked with David a bit and he said it is understandable - from a man who generally replies "ungh" to my 12 sentence paragraphs, that is a lot. it means a lot to me.
i am sitting on this bed having recently finished a post on Hellen and my pain that is on-going regarding her death and the ensuing criminal aspect and the fact i may have to go to court to testify and the fact that part of me wishes so much that there will be a trial so that the responsible party, who, i understand from reports, behaved VERY irresponsibly that evening, will at the minimum have to speak to what she did; maybe apologize - to me!
the other part of me is afraid that she will have to go to jail if it is considered criminal negligence and that is something i do not wish for anyone's child. neither do i wish that any parent outlive their child ... it was like aparent-daughter relationship for me and Hellen. so i am conflicted. and i wish to have this burden lifted frommy weary shoulders. being part camel does come in handy does it not, LittleHawk?
i sit here on the covers wanting to go back under and to hide some more - it only last week occured to me that this is APRIL. and i went right back into the DABDA cycle [from "Death and Dying"]. i denied it was even april...calendar says different though.
and so i will face april and all it brings. i know there will be many lovely flowers to photograph and play with on the computer editing thingy. i know my neice will have her birthday and graduation and that is so grand. i know my grandson is readying for driving lessons and my oldest g'daughter is doing extra credit in the summer to get a jump on her forensic science studies. i am looking forward to seeing our youngest 2 g'babes in florida this june and their mommy whom i love....that will help my heart just to get those hugs and kisses.
and yet i sit here once more unable to really DO anything more than is absolutely necessary. i would rather not eat than have to leave here to get food [again thank God for David who is gathering food right now for us-we are really into those roles right now: he, the hunter and gatherer and me, the nester and ???].
i would rather type this unending story of unfinished business of life and death than to get up and go live a life.
do i get credit for admitting that? were you ever told when you were young that GOD sits on a throne with a big book of life and takes names and gives +'s and -'s for good and bad? did you ever think that was a lot like what santa does too? i do digress. i am simply sharing my thoughts as they come - i think that is what the professor in my "extraneous writing" class at UTA was trying to teach me.
i like ' stream of conciousness' better, but again i wander.
and so i sit and type and thank you my readers i feel a bit better. looking forward a bit to being with my circle and to the other adventures i mentioned.
and finding some weird joy in missing my mom; for if i miss her being here with me as a physical presence then i must have felt SOME love from her and i must have felt love for her even when we were so estranged and confused. i know that i love her now in this moment and that is the most important part of my being - the here and now...mom even said that in her 'dementia' -
"i only know that i am here, now."

Hellen, champion

i have always thought of myself as small - little. Now, i can see and i do look in the mirror now and again...i compare me to others and see i am a bit larger [ :0) ] than some. i think the 'Little Linda' comes somewhat from how my dad always saw me - his baby.

But it comes mainly i think from my tendency to put others ahead of me and to feel myself small in the big scheme of the whole karmic thing.

but i always felt like a giant when i was with Hellen.

it was just how she looked up to me and at the same time i looked up to her...guess we both became giants when we were together. i miss her very much.

i met Hellen in 1982, at Crossroads - a residential facility for folks from 1 -> 18 with some degree of mental retardation. I was a special ed teaching asst. for BISD and we went in daily to do training with the residents. Hellen was 12 years old with a smile as bright as the sun, a personality that found humor in almost everything and the kind of beauty that goes soul-deep. we clicked immediately - we became friends quickly. and though her mental age was somewhere between 3 and 5, we were level when it came to spirit and heart. simply put, we loved each other unconditionally.

there were times when Hellen's behavior [sometimes acting out as a call for attention, other times because - i believe - she was over medicated or mis-medicated] interfered with her education and changed her personality. there were times when she would listen and respond only to me & would not cooperate with others.

when crossroads closed in 1984 or so i became Hellen's official Advocate - had to wait until i did not work with her to get around the 'conflict of interest' rule. being her advocate meant i went to meetings about her treatment and educational plans and i was the one to approve any medical procedures. but the best part was that our relationship could continue to grow.

in 1987, when Hellen turned 18, she was no longer a ward of the state and needed a guardian. of course i had no money to afford court and attorney fees but i was really worried when i heard that they would send her back to her birth county and appoint a neutral person to act as guardian.

that was a future i did not want for her. yes her parents lived in corsicana but they were unable to care for her - both parents were mild -> moderately retarded and the state had taken her when she was very young.

i mentioned my concerns and sadness at not being able to see her if she went away. someone in mhmr, some caring person, made it known that i would like to assume guardianship if i could afford it.

that was all it took - the intent and love was put out into the universe and spirit acted! attorneys volunteered their services, the court waived all fees, and the county even sent me gas money to travel to corsicana to appear in court.

everything went well and i became her legal guardian on December 13, 1987, her 18th birthday. for 24 years we knew each other she was already a member of our family by '87. in '92 when my granddaughter, Rashida, was born, Hellen delighted in telling all the staff & residents at the small group home where she lived that she had a NIECE! she was so proud. And when Tyehimba came along 11 months later she told everyone about her nephew. our son called her sister. Hellen was such an integral part of our family - both David's folks and mine - that if we attended a gathering & she was not with us everyone asked about her.

but, as my mom became ill and alzheimers got a grip on her i was able less often to take Hellen out for visits and parties and such. Everyone missed her. but i did not have the energy to deal with my mom in a wheelchair and with Hellen's needs too~while she had no major physical disabilities she did need to be reminded to zip her pants after toileting, to refrain from her favorite curse words while at my mother-in-law's house, and to put one foot in front of the other when walking: stuff that takes a great deal of patience; something i was running low on at the time.

on nov 3, 2006, i came home from work and reached for the phone to call & tell Hellen that i would be able to bring her 'home' for thanksgiving. before i could pick it up it rang. and my world changed forever.

Hellen was at harris hosp, bedford. i was needed there. i could not get a lot from the hospital staff person who called but i needed to know what was happening. the woman finally said Hellen died.

just like that. a little over a month prior to birthday # 37. just as i was planning to invite her to our holiday feast. just...i called a friend who drove me to the ER and found that she had drowned!!! of all things. in a bath tub. seems her supervising staff had left her there, alone, in the water, and she had a seizure - grand mal. she drowned. alone.

she lay on the gurney in the ER with tubes still coming from her nose and mouth, blood around the edges. signs of obvious attempts to revive her. she did not move...so still. a gentle smile seemed to hover just around her lips. her eyes were closed, her hands, cold. i waited a long time for her to get up. she did not move. staff from the home and from mhmr were all around and crying and i was dry eyed - why should i cry about something that was NOT HAPPENING!"?

there was a chaplain there and she emptied the room except for my friend, herself, Hellen and me. she prayed with us and it was so lovely a prayer that i could swear she knew Hellen. she said she could feel her sweetness and that it was obvious she was greatly loved. my friend suggested i have a moment alone with her...my sunshine child.

so they left me and Hellen to say our physical path goodbyes. as i sat and held her hand i saw and felt the last lingering bits of her energy-spirit floating away. it was the first time i have witnessed such a crossing over - though her human/physical body had already stopped and her brain no longer functioned there was just a little of her essence still hanging around. i think waiting for me to say 'i love you' one more time in person and to help me begin to grieve.

the days after were so blurred and uncertain - it fell to me to make the 'arrangements'. the funeral director told me that many times a guardian in situations such as these just walks away. that the actual official relationship of guardian ended at her death.

BUT OUR BOND DID NOT END OUR LOVE AND GOD-CONNECTION DID NOT END and so i told him she is family and i will not leave her.

a friend helped me tread those waters of choosing plots and boxes and dresses and ... and her body was buried. our whole family came to the service along with many friends and staff. there were so many tears. so much sadness at her crossing but so much joy in her life.

it seems wrong to lose someone so young. i had been making plans for what Hellen's future without me, after my death, would be. plans that now are not needed. that does not seem right - but spirit knows and there are reasons and other plans i know nothing of.

memories ~~~one of Hellen's passions was participating in Special Olympics and i am going to have one of her medals engraved into her marker. her specialty was the sprint and that consisted of her trotting along with or behind the other runners and me on the side-lines running along trying to coerce her into moving just a bit faster. of course it did not matter what her time was or what place she took....she would always win with us. one year as Hellen ran-trotted, she noticed a girl 'running' a few feet behind her.

to a "regular" athlete this would be good - that she would not take last place.
but to Hellen it meant someone was getting left behind. She turned, went back and took the young woman by the hand, saying 'come on now', and helped that other athlete to the finish line.

there is no doubt in my mind that Hellen was, is and always will be a Champion ... maybe the Grand Champion of all time.

[ note: as of this date - april, 2009, - the case is still being investigated ... they are doing the grand jury to determine if criminal charges should be brought against the staff person who left her to drown in the tub. i am still awaiting word as that is part of the grief - the not knowing and not being allowed to let go of that part of it.

i just want to be able to focus on healing and that means umimpeded mourning. and that will come. someday.]

Meeting David

interesting aside : when i was in the first grade, the teachers wanted to skip me to 3rd you know - genius and all :0).

my mom was fearful that i would not be socially comfortable (like i ever was anyway) so she said no and i stayed and did all 12 grades as ordered. the funny part of this is that David is one year younger than i and had i skipped the grade i would have been done with the 2 yr jr [t c jc] college when he enrolled - and we may not have met at all. i have wondered if my mom ever thought of that - that she made the decision when i was 6 that led to her dismay when i was 19...meeting and loving David.

..anywaaaay.....i was working registration at school for the work-study program and between crowds we would visit with other students who were working there too. i noticed a guy at the next table who kept looking at me and smiling. i smiled back.

as we talked we found we had a lot in common and enjoyed each other's company. David started sending cute notes to me and it was like being little kids again - and fun. he had such a great and somewhat innocent sense of humor.

i wanted to be friends, he wanted more...told me shortly after we met that we would marry - i was NOT going to get married to anyone...that was my plan. focus on art and school and ....over the year and a half or so he asked several more times if i would marry him [sometimes just stating again as if it was fact "we will get married"].

but i was really having fun just learning about life and did have a pretty big crush on another guy so i continued to say no!!!

but God would have it otherwise. during that school year our permanent work placements just happened to be [you can guess] in the same location...the library.

we occasionally took the same break time and became closer friends.

once, in his determination to win me over, D did some card tricks for me in the back of the library.

somehow :0} these tricks led to an innocent game of 'do you trust me?' i said yes and he said close your eyes and i did [knowing all along what would come next] and he kissed me ever so softly on my cheek.

i soon moved into an apt with a roommate just a few blocks from where David had moved - a commune called "Hurley House" - i hung out there as much as i did at the apt. ..so many good friends - it was a magical time... a time when i was accepted totally as i am.
and the friendshp grew and over time (way over a year) i began to see David differently - we had hung out as friends doing friend things but now it felt like more.

just being seen in public together drew unwanted and sometimes very rude, even dangerous attention - the prejudice of the time was a bummer but we cared too much for each other to split up.
thinking we could use a change we decided to go down to austin and stay with friends there to see how we liked it - maybe live there. we did like it - it is one of my favorite places today.

then one bright austin morning i lay watching David sleep and it came to me what i was feeling ..much more than friendship ... it was real, true love. the kind that just keeps growing stronger and changing/evolving ~ becoming what makes the day more worthy of waking.
so i woke him and said "does that offer still hold?" it took him only a few seconds to know what i was talking about. his face lit with a sort of inner sun and i must have been half way between giggles and tears.

he said that of course it did and he was soooo happy. we began to talk about our life together and make all those promises and plans.

stay tuned for the next chapter as 39 years is a lot of fodder for story time.

The Bus Driver

today i was presented with an example of what i was saying about how to let go of trying always to MAKE peace...but rather to just ALLOW peace.

again on the bus [can a bus be a muse? i am inspired each time i ride it and some writing comes from it] i sat just people-watching. a woman had gotten on behind me but did not come directly to a seat and instead began some sort of tirade directed at the bus driver.

i did not catch it all as i had been listening to a baby a few seats away trying out a few new words.

it seems the driver had not stopped in the spot the woman expected...she is apparently picked up routinely at a specific spot. mind you he stopped at the official bus stop only 8 feet or so from where she had been waiting.

but this was not right in her opinion and she was not kind in her assessment of his bus-

driving etiquette. i began to pay attention when she raised her voice and started gesturing.

the driver at first said nothing, but listened to her complaints.

then he calmly said "oh i did not know that".

she stood for another few seconds and then headed toward a seat, mumbling and still angry.

so the driver said, "thank you for explaining that to me. i will know next time. i appreciate it."

wow.

think about what a person driving a bus must hear and see and, yes, smell all day long. think of how uncomfortable that seat must become after several hours in it. think of all the crap he probably had taken from others today. and how about the HUGE responsibility? - the transporting of all these riders to their destinations safely...through traffic and construction and quirky weather.

yet he did not respond as if anything was amiss. he took that moment to center himself and to reply respectfully to her; even giving her gratitude for her words. not only did his calmness and thoughtful response serve to de-escalate the situation but he actually allowed her to save face. his thanking her gave her the opportunity to walk away with some dignity.

i was so touched by his behavior that i told him so as i exited the bus.

he had allowed PEACE to happen. there were a lot of other ways he could have handled it. [and probably felt like saying other things, too.] he might have tried forcing her to be quiet or to go sit down....but he chose to use his tranquil energy to counteract the harshness of hers.

that is what i meant by rather than 'making' peace, i am learning to 'allow' peace...no force, no big dramatic gesture...as Nimisha commented: "just be".

and who knows why the woman behaved as she did. not i. not the driver. she may have been hurting or had to deal with some trauma also today.

the point is that these moments happen to us daily where we are gifted with a chance to make change, positive change, in our surroundings and in the lives of others.

Sharon part 2

so we became anxious to pursue this new chapter of our lives and i called the volunteer worker who was helping Sharon to search.
she was convinced by what i told her and her notes of the events that we indeed were sibs.
so convinced that she gave me Sharon's # and i called her. meantime the volunteer let her know to expect a call from me.

when she answered i just said tentatively 'Sharon?' and she said 'Linda?' and that was the beginning.

it was like opening a Christmas gift; slowly, layer by layer.

first the ribbon and the tape, then the paper carefully so as not to damage the contents.

such happiness comes to me now as i write this, that i am rewarded again.
we spent a bit of time on the phone comparing notes and asking questions. i was hesitant to be pushy & i held back [YES i did]. and i think Sharon was a bit blown away by my attitude of 'well of course i want you to be my sister'.

after that first encounter i had no question as to the veracity of the situation. i did not doubt and i was ready to meet and get to know her. we had missed so much!!

the only concern was, would she want us? Bruce told me, after i called him back to say 'yup we have a sis' and we are gonna meet her soon, that i should not tell her too much about mom and some of our more disturbing background until we knew her better. he thought it would scare her off. i'm thinking 'but its only fair to let her know how dysfunctional a gang she is a part of now.

but i agreed to be as reserved as i could when we met.

and i almost made it.
in that confusing spring of '05 we met our baby sister. at a church parlor. i got there first. then Sharon came in and i knew....i hurried over to her [& like Bruce said probably scared her] - i hugged her and said "you have Bruce's eyes!!!"

then he came in with a bouquet of lovely flowers for each of us. and he stood there, a bit like a deer in headlights, while i went on and on about the eyes - see you have the same eyes. see? see?

the volunteer had come along too - it was, we 3 later agreed, intrusive.

but she wanted to see the fruits of her effots and i could not blame her.

we just felt inhibited and not free to be ouselves. she did ask some pertinent questions so it was ok. we began to put some 'quirks' of moms together and it all came back to her obsession with the # 3.

OF COURSE, duh! there are 3 of us, 3 children she had.

3 she looked for in everything, even after she had forgotten WHY it was important or what it was she sought; she wanted her three.
the volunteer just blurted out [i still don't know why] as we discussed this 3: "what color is three?"

Sharon and i both, at the same time, said "RED". wow. need anymore proof? poor Bruce sat there going huh? "is that what happened - you 2 got all the color and i am colorblind!" { he is you know = color-blind }

so we talked about that for a bit. and agreed to keep close and learn more. oh and another funny thing- moms favorite color was/is RED!

while Sharon and i both love purple! funny funny things.
dna testing was discussed - i did not want it. i had what i wanted - my sister.

but that is one of those world things and a logical thing to ask. turns out the test can't be accurate w/maternal dna only if it is paternal and we have different fathers.

besides, as we got to know each other more we just dropped the idea. and we have spent these last few years really making up for the missed calls and the missed birthdays and the missed everything...much later, when mom was very deep in alzheimers and she began to tell people at the nursing home about her 3 kids and the baby she gave up .. my faith was justified.
the best, the very best thing that happened was a conversation between mom and Sharon. [ we had introduced her to mom as a friend and mom loved her right away, saying later, 'could you bring that girl back to see me?' she said "I don't know what it is, but she feels like one of us!"]

then mom almost died in '07 and while in hospital Bruce & i told sis that if she wanted to actually try to talk truth with her it would be then... i don't know how Bruce knew, but he has some of that intuitive thing also, and he just knew a window was opening.

so Sharon came and we left her and mom alone in the hospital room to talk.

this is what Sharon wrote afterwards about that visit.

"I was afraid to say anything because she looked so peaceful and calm.

Not agitated like she had been all evening. Her eyes were closed, her hands still.
I leaned over and asked if she felt better. She smiled and said yes. I then asked her if she remembered her little baby. "Yes" she said, shaking her head. I told her that I was her little baby.

"I know" she said. I then told her that I wanted to thank her. That I knew what she did was hard, but that it was the right thing to do. That by giving me up, she had brought so many people into my life. And that she was very brave.

"Yes" she said. I thanked her again and she said, "thank you".
She then said quietly, "you remind me of him. We were going to get married and I was going to be a bride." I asked her if it was Joe I reminded her of. That was the only time she got irritated. She said, "well, yes" and started moving her hands. She started saying random words and numbers, talking about dirt and water.
She then got still and said, "I loved you every single day." I told her that I had loved her every single day, too.

She looked so serene, her eyes still closed, a soft smile on her lips. She told me that she remembered me eating and one day I'd be a big bride. Then her hands began working and she began talking to someone else in the room.
I then touched her forehead and told her I would visit her later. She said "I want you to come every single day". I told her I would see her soon and she said, "no, every single day."

It was then like I had been dismissed. Her attention turned elsewhere.
As I left the room, I turned back. She was "propped" up on the bed. Her hands in the air (waving and make motions like she was climbing a ladder). I realized today that she had to be extremely strong in that moment. She was propped up, yet not by her elbows or hands....they were in the air. Or maybe she was being helped by someone only she could see.
It was an amazing experience. I don't know if what she said meant the same thing to her as it did to me. I've been wondering if I might have "planted" things for her to say without realizing it. Because I wanted it so badly. A friend of mine told me today that it didn't matter. That I heard what I needed to hear, and with God's grace and mercy, she heard what she needed to hear, too."

the cross-over of MOM

i had been spinning my emotional and mental wheels for a couple of weeks....furtive phone calls and emails to friends, relatives, strangers...anyone i could think who might help with the issue of the nursing home folks putting mom in the wheelchair and letting her roll blindly [literally - she had her eyes shut tight for the final month of her life here].

she had fallen several times and run into walls and slammed her hand in a door.

and yet the rules are : "...she has a right to fall."

some rules just plain SUCK!

i demanded a meeting with the home staff and the ombudsman [whose job it is to remain impartial and see that the family and patient are heard].

i had confided in my boss, frantic for help, and she told me about the ombudsman and the role they play.

we had our meeting and i felt heard and many things came from it - it did give me a tiny sense of control.

turns out that i was not looking just to prevent mom breaking her neck falling from the chair or a better 'situation' for her. seems i was really searching for a little bit of control in what was happening - to her, to me, to our family.

AND, i was trying to prevent her death.

i did the "death and dying" steps, as i've mentioned before, all out of order and have gone back and forth with them.

it was not until the week she died that i did the 'bargaining' step.

i recall standing in the RR at work and watching myself, hearing myself as i actually said "what if i don't want her to die? how about if i find a great new drug? maybe just one more month will do it?" and so on.

and as i watched and listened, i thought how silly i must sound.

you see, knowing things, when something will happen, visions of events yet to be, is not always cool. in fact it is often a pain in the heart.

i had known for sometime that mom would die on the weekend of the intensive retreat at earthsprings.

MELH had responded to my desperation on the sunday prior to the retreat with a wonderful pipe ceremony which brought comfort as well as confirmation of that knowing. Gratitude. pain and peace.

i had also known that i would be angry with my mama for dying when i was trying to have a good healing retreat. so when i got the hospice call as i sat at country kitchen with some of my spirit sisters, i was not surprised and YES i was quite ticked off! we were already on the road and now i would have to decide - many things.

one - do i stay and sit with her while she crosses?

another - do i approve even more medication which the hospice nurse agreed would not stop her death?

and - was i strong enough to walk away and let others handle the final 'arrangements'?

my sisters were willing to take me back to my house, but they felt, as i did, that i needed to be at my earthsprings home with my spirit "wrapped 'round with love" and acceptance.

so i made calls to my husband and to my brother and sister. and talked again with hospice and told them not to pump anymore poison into her veins.

everyone was encouraging me to, for this time, for this huge decision, do what felt best for ME.

and so i did - and on the way to earthsprings i was able to laugh and sing and have a good trip with my friends.

i was able to keep away the 'guilt-gremlins' and know that my physical presence was not what my mom needed at that point in her metamorphosis.

truth be told i may have been more of a burden had i stayed there at her bed.

so in my heart i reached out to hers and we agreed that we would never become disconnected again...that in this new phase of our relationship, we would bond strongly and communicate clearly in spirit.

that was friday morning into early p.m. when we arrived at the woods, LittleHawk met us and i told her 'mom is actively dying NOW'. she just enveloped me in a warm hug and said 'yes, and it is good you are here'.

those 2 weeks or so before this, that i was flittering around looking for help and for answers, i had been visited in dreams and visions by so many nature/critter medicine people. each with a comfort and a lesson for me.

think i shall do a post on each of them as they were wonderful to care for me that much.

do YOU know how much God/Universe/Spirit cares for you? i am beginning to know it and to absorb it. that is the 'great mystery' spoken of and it is no mystery.

late that friday night as we sat in the last of opening ceremony in circle i felt a tap on my shoulder ... a little hand laid gently on me saying it is ok. even as i looked i knew there was no earth-bound one to see.

it was most assuredly my mama's tiny little girl hand [as she had been in pipe ceremony] with a passing "ta-ta", "later gator" as she headed off with her big sis.

when i got ready for bed after that i just sat and waited for the call. i had made my hubby promise he would call when the time came and say the actual words...i needed to hear the truth and begin the next step.

and it came, in the quiet house. i heard LH answer and 4 of my sisters came to me saying it was for me.

so i stepped onto the floor and it felt like a stage. and i walked with my people to the other room feeling like walking in slow motion water. and i took the phone and said hi honey, to David, feeling so close to his heart and yet so very far away in space and time.

afterward, we sat, DF, LH, NL and i. for a couple of hours and i felt that i needed to say something. but not what...i was in a play and did not know my lines. and that was ok with them.

they talked and listened and waited with me until it was time to rest.

then, as my mother became one with the "Great Mother", i stepped into new roles too. elder. orphan. new identities.

someone mentioned 'grace' in describing me during that period of time and it was strange to me...i'd never thought of me like that. but that IS what i felt.

read a quote recently that 'graciousness can be learned, but grace can not' ... one has it, or not.

another aha and another new role for me.

my mom had a thing she would say when she was in great pain and thought that no one believed her or could understand it. she would say

"i wish you could feel this ... just for a minute, all this pain ... i wish you could feel this!".

on the day after she died she came to me in meditation and great ripples of peace poured over me. and i floated.

my mama's spirit was so calm and filled with true contentment. and she said

" i wish you could feel this...".