Hellen, champion

i have always thought of myself as small - little. Now, i can see and i do look in the mirror now and again...i compare me to others and see i am a bit larger [ :0) ] than some. i think the 'Little Linda' comes somewhat from how my dad always saw me - his baby.

But it comes mainly i think from my tendency to put others ahead of me and to feel myself small in the big scheme of the whole karmic thing.

but i always felt like a giant when i was with Hellen.

it was just how she looked up to me and at the same time i looked up to her...guess we both became giants when we were together. i miss her very much.

i met Hellen in 1982, at Crossroads - a residential facility for folks from 1 -> 18 with some degree of mental retardation. I was a special ed teaching asst. for BISD and we went in daily to do training with the residents. Hellen was 12 years old with a smile as bright as the sun, a personality that found humor in almost everything and the kind of beauty that goes soul-deep. we clicked immediately - we became friends quickly. and though her mental age was somewhere between 3 and 5, we were level when it came to spirit and heart. simply put, we loved each other unconditionally.

there were times when Hellen's behavior [sometimes acting out as a call for attention, other times because - i believe - she was over medicated or mis-medicated] interfered with her education and changed her personality. there were times when she would listen and respond only to me & would not cooperate with others.

when crossroads closed in 1984 or so i became Hellen's official Advocate - had to wait until i did not work with her to get around the 'conflict of interest' rule. being her advocate meant i went to meetings about her treatment and educational plans and i was the one to approve any medical procedures. but the best part was that our relationship could continue to grow.

in 1987, when Hellen turned 18, she was no longer a ward of the state and needed a guardian. of course i had no money to afford court and attorney fees but i was really worried when i heard that they would send her back to her birth county and appoint a neutral person to act as guardian.

that was a future i did not want for her. yes her parents lived in corsicana but they were unable to care for her - both parents were mild -> moderately retarded and the state had taken her when she was very young.

i mentioned my concerns and sadness at not being able to see her if she went away. someone in mhmr, some caring person, made it known that i would like to assume guardianship if i could afford it.

that was all it took - the intent and love was put out into the universe and spirit acted! attorneys volunteered their services, the court waived all fees, and the county even sent me gas money to travel to corsicana to appear in court.

everything went well and i became her legal guardian on December 13, 1987, her 18th birthday. for 24 years we knew each other she was already a member of our family by '87. in '92 when my granddaughter, Rashida, was born, Hellen delighted in telling all the staff & residents at the small group home where she lived that she had a NIECE! she was so proud. And when Tyehimba came along 11 months later she told everyone about her nephew. our son called her sister. Hellen was such an integral part of our family - both David's folks and mine - that if we attended a gathering & she was not with us everyone asked about her.

but, as my mom became ill and alzheimers got a grip on her i was able less often to take Hellen out for visits and parties and such. Everyone missed her. but i did not have the energy to deal with my mom in a wheelchair and with Hellen's needs too~while she had no major physical disabilities she did need to be reminded to zip her pants after toileting, to refrain from her favorite curse words while at my mother-in-law's house, and to put one foot in front of the other when walking: stuff that takes a great deal of patience; something i was running low on at the time.

on nov 3, 2006, i came home from work and reached for the phone to call & tell Hellen that i would be able to bring her 'home' for thanksgiving. before i could pick it up it rang. and my world changed forever.

Hellen was at harris hosp, bedford. i was needed there. i could not get a lot from the hospital staff person who called but i needed to know what was happening. the woman finally said Hellen died.

just like that. a little over a month prior to birthday # 37. just as i was planning to invite her to our holiday feast. just...i called a friend who drove me to the ER and found that she had drowned!!! of all things. in a bath tub. seems her supervising staff had left her there, alone, in the water, and she had a seizure - grand mal. she drowned. alone.

she lay on the gurney in the ER with tubes still coming from her nose and mouth, blood around the edges. signs of obvious attempts to revive her. she did not move...so still. a gentle smile seemed to hover just around her lips. her eyes were closed, her hands, cold. i waited a long time for her to get up. she did not move. staff from the home and from mhmr were all around and crying and i was dry eyed - why should i cry about something that was NOT HAPPENING!"?

there was a chaplain there and she emptied the room except for my friend, herself, Hellen and me. she prayed with us and it was so lovely a prayer that i could swear she knew Hellen. she said she could feel her sweetness and that it was obvious she was greatly loved. my friend suggested i have a moment alone with her...my sunshine child.

so they left me and Hellen to say our physical path goodbyes. as i sat and held her hand i saw and felt the last lingering bits of her energy-spirit floating away. it was the first time i have witnessed such a crossing over - though her human/physical body had already stopped and her brain no longer functioned there was just a little of her essence still hanging around. i think waiting for me to say 'i love you' one more time in person and to help me begin to grieve.

the days after were so blurred and uncertain - it fell to me to make the 'arrangements'. the funeral director told me that many times a guardian in situations such as these just walks away. that the actual official relationship of guardian ended at her death.

BUT OUR BOND DID NOT END OUR LOVE AND GOD-CONNECTION DID NOT END and so i told him she is family and i will not leave her.

a friend helped me tread those waters of choosing plots and boxes and dresses and ... and her body was buried. our whole family came to the service along with many friends and staff. there were so many tears. so much sadness at her crossing but so much joy in her life.

it seems wrong to lose someone so young. i had been making plans for what Hellen's future without me, after my death, would be. plans that now are not needed. that does not seem right - but spirit knows and there are reasons and other plans i know nothing of.

memories ~~~one of Hellen's passions was participating in Special Olympics and i am going to have one of her medals engraved into her marker. her specialty was the sprint and that consisted of her trotting along with or behind the other runners and me on the side-lines running along trying to coerce her into moving just a bit faster. of course it did not matter what her time was or what place she took....she would always win with us. one year as Hellen ran-trotted, she noticed a girl 'running' a few feet behind her.

to a "regular" athlete this would be good - that she would not take last place.
but to Hellen it meant someone was getting left behind. She turned, went back and took the young woman by the hand, saying 'come on now', and helped that other athlete to the finish line.

there is no doubt in my mind that Hellen was, is and always will be a Champion ... maybe the Grand Champion of all time.

[ note: as of this date - april, 2009, - the case is still being investigated ... they are doing the grand jury to determine if criminal charges should be brought against the staff person who left her to drown in the tub. i am still awaiting word as that is part of the grief - the not knowing and not being allowed to let go of that part of it.

i just want to be able to focus on healing and that means umimpeded mourning. and that will come. someday.]