keep it real

a long time ago when i was teaching for HeadStart, i attended a seminar on grief by Dr Wolfelt. his approach was one i would remember to this day as he did not try to romanticize death or to make the deceased be recalled only with good thoughts, leaving out the pain and harshness, the difficult personality that they may have had.

Dr W had a quick wit from what i recall and he made talking and hearing about crossing over and those left to mourn somewhat easy.

He brought humor and straightforward words to a subject that many have so much trouble dealing with and finding expression of ... he made it ok in my mind - no, more than ok. he gave me ways to deal with helping my students learn ways to cope not only with the huge losses like death of a person but of learning new ways to handle changes and issues they could not possible understand.

i am very glad to have been a part of that seminar and to have those memories to fall back on...and the website to visit. it is hard to find grief counselors who can really impart anything helpful i have found.

one of the best things i learned was that it is OK to remember the totality of my mom and all the faults as well as the beauty. To do anything less would be to belittle her existence...to deny that she was real.

just an FYI for anyone looking...

Fireflys in the Garden at Night

The Little Ones

Sometimes it's the little ones that hurt the most - trying to reconcile the loss of a tiny spirit who could not or was not meant to hold in the physical world. Those whom we get to know only for a short while and yet who never leave our lives...the babies we miscarried, we so wanted, and still miss.
We had our son in 1971 and were not actually planning a big family - in fact one seemed enough. But he was such fun as he grew into his own person and character. We found that the love he brought us needed to be shared with more - so a baby sister was in order. And just like clockwork (actually God-work) when Leif was 3, another little lightworker was invited into our hearts.
It was a great pregnancy - i took Leif to the museum where there was a life sized model of the womb and the gestational steps from zygote to birth. He had asked some pretty tough questions - worrying mainly that i would be hurt when his sis tried to get out of my ''tummy'.
He needed answers he could grasp...and he did grasp them and was relieved of the fear.

Getting him involved in the whole thing was an inspired decision that brought with it a heavy consequence.

We let Leif contribute to the naming - David and i had a couple we liked but when we asked Leif what he thought he did not even have to think - "Feather" he said as tho' he'd been just waiting for us to ask. ( interesting that today i have so many GREAT feathers in my life. I think our genius boy was/is a wise old soul with much intuition and insight.)
So "Kenya MariChris Feather Crear" it was to be. wow!

Then at work 1 day, along about month 4, i felt a discomfort in my belly and a general uneasiness. When i called the doc (who turned out to be from the dino-ages education wise) he asked what i ate that day and then said don't eat it again.
Case closed on my physical feeling and energetic intuiting that something was wrong with our little girl.

I felt only sadness after that tho' i held out hope...always hope.

At the next check up i was told by this same dr in an off-hand way that he had never heard a heartbeat and there was no movement so maybe i was not pregnant after all!

Pause here for a "what the ______?" reaction.

I cried and cried and he said oh don't worry take these pills and your period will start.
I KNEW i was pregnant...i had felt the life and the movement of our baby and no one could tell me different. I flushed the pills once home and a friend called her ob-gyn and got me in to see him.
It was a long, hard road and too much to say here but for 2 more months the family and the doc and i prayed hard that we could make it full term.

But, for whatever reason, our little one did not ground here in this plane - at 6 months i began contractions and, in a lonely hospital bed, in the dark, i lay very still while her earthly body slipped away. Turned out she had crossed over that day at work at 4 months when i had the 'feeling'.
The new doc i was seeing was very comforting and understanding and
never once said don't cry.

Try explaining the death of an unseen baby to a 3 yr old. Leif had been so excited and so ready and now he had no sister no playmate ...no understanding...neither did his dad nor i for that matter.
Leif accused the doc of killing her (he had obviously picked up on my pain and sadness and knew i had changed drs) and he wanted to talk to the guy.
He was so angry... as were we all. So along with trying to mend my own heart i had to really focus on not allowing our son to lose his trust or to retain the anger.
AND oh the grief. David and i reliving the events over and over and over as mountains of ads and offers of gifts for our new baby arrived in the mail.. phone calls welcoming our new baby home and offering diaper service, etc
And unknowing friends would ask how is the newest Crear? and of course the cliche's when they learned the truth.

PLEASE, i am begging you, my reader, do not offer doofus words that only make things worse.
People of course want to make the family feel better but it does NOT help to say well there will be others, or it was meant to be, or be glad because she was probably defective!. None of that helped and in fact made me want to go around slapping people, and i cried even more.
Another child cannot possibly take the place of the one who was lost. It is not good that she was meant to die. It does not help to know that folks think she was better off dead than with a family who wanted her.

The best thing i heard the whole shattering time was "you want me to sit a while with you?". No one can ever feel what another feels, empathy or not. One can only be close at hand and offer solace in the form of waiting in the grief.
And of course watching for signs of MH issues that can come up like PPD which is much harder when no baby is there to eventually be able to hold and bond with and cherish. PPD w/o the child is a REAL bitch. Been there done that.

We tried 5 more times over the years to have that baby sister and each time i miscarried earlier until the last lost one was only a few weeks old. The good dr said i was driving him crazy and he did not know how we could keep it up. D an i had actually split up over one loss (for one week = we could not leave each other for long, thank spirit).
Doc asked if we might consider adoption. We did for a bit but too much $ and sadness.

We finally learned that i had not been given the rhogam shot after Leif's birth that might have prevented the miscarriages. My blood type is A- and David has B+; so my body fought the babies as foreign bodies - that was the cause of death.
And it took 6 miscarriages and years of pain and tests & so much sadness to find out. It all could have been avoided if the delivering doc for Leif had told me then that i could not get the shot and why and what it meant. But he did not.

6 [six tano seis huit] little souls whom we only got to know for a bit.

Fireflys in the Garden

Many (like 20) years later i revisited these losses in counselling and energy sessions and came to some enlightening moments. Some ahas. These revelations have brought so much relief and the ability to forgive myself. My guide (whom i have mentioned in other posts) for these healings was amazed at the progress we made, i think...i know he experienced some ahas himself.

Yes MaryElizabeth i do KNOW what you meant when you mentioned healing of memories - going back in time and healing old wounds - not only your own but of others...of righting wrongs... of celebrating events we might not have celebrated the first time. Of changing the past.

In re-seeing my babies and re-bonding on a spiritual level rather than the physical pull at my sacral and solar (emotions) plexus everything became clear. There were lines of golden energy connecting the babes to me - but not at the heart where the healthy bond would be.

I was holding onto the physical, the painful, the guilt-filled part when i needed desperately to let go.

When M asked me what do the babies want ? i immediately told him what they all 6 had told me in that moment...

"FREEDOM: and of course that is what i feared - freedom means i lose them right? WRONG. Freedom means the hurt of wanting them to stay was gone. As soon as the words left my mouth i saw/ felt/ watched them change. The chains that had bound them to me were released and they became little glowing spirits still with me but unfettered - like FIREFLYS in the Garden at Night.

I sketched a picture of them when i got home that day. Tried to give it to M but he insisted that i keep my lovely healing memories of my little ones close to me. So the picture still hangs on my wall and it still makes me happy.

The joy which took the place of all that pain comes from seeing that once i gave them their freedom, rather than losing them forever, we really bonded on an energy plane that will last forever and longer. They are free to enjoy pure God spirit and to be my guardian angels.

This is written as both an homage to my children and a note of gratitude to universe and all its goodness. Love.

let's get this 4d straight

My lil bro remembered the movie about the dimensional man - even the title which i could not recall -
It was a 1959 movie called 4D MAN....
watch a clip from youtube and see for yourself!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBEq0_55&feature=related

Yeah the story needs a tune up as they portray it as a horror show - but in those days weird was NOT a good thing ... as it can be now (in my opinion anyway).
Just wanted you to see what i saw when i was 10.

Post Script to "No Santa"

i got a note from baby Y's mom saying that telling a child the truth is NOT robbing her of innocence. i must say i have thought long about this and i do agree on most levels.

i think the innocence i spoke of was not a sudden worldliness thrust on the child...i think it has more to do with me (well duh - doesn't it always?) than with Y or any other child.
Maybe i associate the knowing with having another piece of childhood lost - and it just makes me feel sad.
another grief to share. Another attachment to let go.

But as i said in the other post what is important in the whole thing is trust in the universe's mystery and surprises in store for us all.
And perhaps we can see that most clearly when we are freed of illusion.

As for my belief in Santa - yeah, i still do believe...i can still hold onto that faith in the generosity of people and of joyful giving.
But i do accept my "baby's" enlightened attitude. And i know that her innocence is intact.

Nakupenda, SYE, from Bibi.

MARKERS

This past weekend David and i went out to the cemetery to visit my mom's grave - her marker was put in place last week.
it looks really lovely ... never thought i would use that term for something so odd.

odd as in 'why do we need a marker for a grave?'.
odd as in "what is the point of all the rituals - markers - that we use in our times of pain, growth, happiness, depression?".

birth - we put an armband on the child saying 'boy' or 'girl'. then a name; as individual as we may try to make it, the name is seldom unique...but it is how we mark that particular child.
school - we get all kinds of things to mark our transition from one year to the next...grade reports, certificates....
marriage - noted / marked by rings, licenses, anniversaries.

DEATH ~ we mark it by a ceremony honoring in some way the physicality of the deceased. Tho' spirit lives on & is the REAL being, we still feel a connection to that hard-world body. So we say thanks to the universe for that connection.
And then there is a concrete memory in the form of, usually, a grave stone...marker.

WHY? we do it because we need to somehow desginate that we were here. That could be me - would anyone remember? our own mortality has to be recognized in some way.
we need so desperately to make a literal and figurative mark on the world...to know that there is physical representation that we made some sort of impact. and possibly, just possibly, changed this world in a positive way... so that our having lived on this plane will not be forgotten.

I never, as i said, thought i could feel such solace and relief at having placed a stone at the head of the grave that is where my physical mom is buried.
But i do, and i am glad. Peace.

Dimensions and car wrecks...?

When i was about 10 we went to the theatre & saw a movie called something like the title of this post. I cannot find it now on any list on the net but i KNOW we saw it.
Point is that it was classified sci-fi or such and it was about a man who created a device that allowed him to put "solids" through "solids". People at the show seemed really skeptical from what i overheard - i got the feeling that i was the only one in the audience (or the film) who got it - believed it.
But then, when you walk around noting the things that i have noted ever since earliest memory, things like sticking your hand through a wall without damage to either is not so far out. When you see an object's bits that were then considered to be stationery, solid, impenetrable
(remember it was the late '50's - early 60's), moving, then you realize that many things are possible.
After that movie, i spent the rest of the summer trying to get a pencil to pass through my hand. Fortunately i did not use the leaded end!
I did not succeed but neither did i fail because i could totally SEE it happen. And i knew that objects, including people, have so much more to them than recognized at the time. That everything operates on several dimensions and that with the right circumstances we can actually see, feel and know those dimensions.
HEY, IT WAS CLEAR TO ME!

I did not share this info w/anyone as i had learned that, when you tell folks stuff like that, they get scared and give you meds and look at you weirdly. But i am trusting that at least some of you, dear readers, will get this.

Back to the pencil / hand experiments. Though i never got that, physically, to work, it gave me reinforcement for my 'visions', for my 'imaginings' .
It meant that if they could make a movie about it / if someone could imagine it, then it could be true!

50 yrs later during a major auto accident i slid through each dimension.

I looked up the 12 dimensions (thanks, Judy) and found a nice read on them. I paraphrase here and take some license in order to conserve space..................
'The 12 Dimensions of Creation
by Owen Waters, EditorInfinite Being Publishing, LLC

“Thought plus feeling equals manifestation,” ...
Dimensions are the fundamental building blocks of reality. We live in a conscious universe because the universe was created entirely from original consciousness. Every aspect of the universe, from stars to humans and even sunlight, are all composed of 100% original consciousness.
Dimensions include ....length, breadth and height, time, thought, feeling, etheric, magnetic and electricenergies which make up physical and non-physical matter ...conforming to the original pattern of thought, feeling, and manifestation.
Energy....It is the womb of the universe; the matrix upon which all energy and matter exists. It is the fabric of the universe. As all matter is energy, your physical body is made of electromagnetic energy, and only has the appearance of being solid material.
As the electrical pioneer Michael Faraday said about life,
“All this is but a dream.”
We live in a universe composed of 100% original consciousness. As such, we are dreaming the dream of Creation, each one of us playing our individual part of experiencing the universe from our own unique viewpoint. "

I cannot say in words exactly what happened during the wreck but i know without doubt that i literally slid through all 12 realities.

We were hit from behind and skidded across the hwy, spinning 180 degrees and landing on the grassy median that divides the north from south bound traffic. Mind you there was a LOT of traffic.
I did not know until much later what had actually happened, in this physical plane, to us - we were one minute traveling homeward at about 65 mph and suddenly it felt as though the world exploded ...it DID.
All i knew to do was pray. I held the wheel tight and i prayed ' do not let us hit anyone; please get us to the median" over and over. i had obviously hit the brakes per the skid marks, too.
We managed, with the love of this grand and glorious universe, to end up exactly where i prayed, without hitting or getting hit by anyone else.
We were facing south when we'd been headed north. The car was totalled with bits of it all along the road. We spent the night in ER. We had some physical injuries but none permanent or life-threatening.
YES all these things happened.

But what i experienced as we skidded through what seemed like an hour of space and time, was so much more and is still gelling and integrating into my conciousness.
It is once again the universe telling me that yes, Linda, THIS is reality; THIS is truth.
One can be in the dimension of living and dying at the same time.
One can travel through time and space AND levels of awareness that are so amazingly clear.
I FELT as well as saw the different levels of being. I heard the sounds of the angels and the demons. The lines, stripes of shadow and light passed through my body and mind and spirit and i will never be the same.
I intend to spend my life now REALLY experiencing it, really getting close to creation in all its manifestations.