and last but not least...

here comes GUILT; dragging its lazy ass out of the starting gate! what took you so long? was it i holding you back? were you invisible?
imagine the invisible runner.
maybe you were just waiting until the audience (me of course) became complacent. smug.
and, please, dear reader, do not even ask who will be first crossing the finish line. in this marathon there is no winner. there will be no finish line to cross. no parade on my psychic main street. and certainly no confetti! this is a lifetime event...it will not end in victory nor in defeat. it will not end.
ok marathon metaphors aside, i am finally-> 2 + years after my mom crossed over-> feeling those grotesque gut twistings. those emotions that feel like they have been masquerading all along (oh no - groans here) in a charade that only now is recognizable. the mask fell the cloak dropped the game ended.
ok ok - >
this was meant to be a serious soliloquy on my current unwanted & yet unavoidable aquiescence to the one feeling that i had hoped beyond hope would not come to me. i actually had the audacity to think that i could escape it. i am so much more enlightened than that! i am soooo past those thoughts.
my arrogance has been amusing when i look back and really see it.
how could i have done so? how could i have deceived myself so successfully?
well i guess that is not the main question here is it? the real question is what do i do now? the old response is to fall into the guilt head first & wallow.
i am choosing not to do that.
i could keep pushing it back even now, seeing it...i could ignore it for a while longer. ah but that only delays the depth of the pain. and ignoring it is painful too somehow.
so i have decided to post it. admit it - out loud. to me. to you. to God.
and even as i write that last part i know i am forgiven for any perceived guilt. mom has certainly no reason to bother with trifles like that now. anything i think i might have done differently for her is moot. it is human to feel that other decisions might have lead to other outcomes. and Mom obviously has no need of human things now.
and God forgave before i knew what i was hiding. my tiny little ego self can hide from me but not from God.
you, my reader, will most probably forgive me too. and family ... i know you hold no qualms toward me. so the trouble then of course again is me.
can i look regret (for action not taken quickly enough or thoughts unexpressed or choices made in fear instead of wisdom) in the distorted face and say i forgive myself?
maybe. i will work on it. i will sit with the leftovers of fear and release them. i will stand up against the temptation to lean into anger. and when the depression revisits i will simply explain that it is not welcome here. yeah i will work on it. and i will be free of it. i will.