i am sitting here writing when i would like to be on my way home from a wonderful women's retreat at Earthsprings. i chose not to go as i am going to the intensive retreat on the last weekend of this month and i think i will need that one even more as it will be exactly one year after my mom's crossing-over and that is where i was - earthsprings - when i got the call that she had gone on / that's where i was surrounded by sisters who totally sat with me in the shock [even when you know it is coming it is always a shock].MELH: if you had any ?'s about why you changed the dates of the intensive, look no further - it was spirit acting again to move Andrew's needs into play to prevent you being at Earthsprings on the original dates. it was spirit, knowing that he needed you and that i need you all.
therefore we will be.
so gratitude to God, cosmos, spirit...and to all those folks who said we will wait for MELH to have the intensive retreat. Thank you.
i am sitting here on the bed - have not been far from it since thursday last --> had to work at home friday due to internet issues at the job...so i just sat around working on my laptop, which means i did not go far from the bed. then sleep overcame me - i know = a symptom of depression / well no one is surprised at that - and i spent part of my 'work' day sleeping. so i worked more on saturday - that is, when i could keep my eyes open.
at least i am aware that i am feeling some heaviness at the approaching death-date of mom. at least i can say yeah i have issues and i need my circle to help me. i talked with David a bit and he said it is understandable - from a man who generally replies "ungh" to my 12 sentence paragraphs, that is a lot. it means a lot to me.
i am sitting on this bed having recently finished a post on Hellen and my pain that is on-going regarding her death and the ensuing criminal aspect and the fact i may have to go to court to testify and the fact that part of me wishes so much that there will be a trial so that the responsible party, who, i understand from reports, behaved VERY irresponsibly that evening, will at the minimum have to speak to what she did; maybe apologize - to me!
the other part of me is afraid that she will have to go to jail if it is considered criminal negligence and that is something i do not wish for anyone's child. neither do i wish that any parent outlive their child ... it was like aparent-daughter relationship for me and Hellen. so i am conflicted. and i wish to have this burden lifted frommy weary shoulders. being part camel does come in handy does it not, LittleHawk?
i sit here on the covers wanting to go back under and to hide some more - it only last week occured to me that this is APRIL. and i went right back into the DABDA cycle [from "Death and Dying"]. i denied it was even april...calendar says different though.
and so i will face april and all it brings. i know there will be many lovely flowers to photograph and play with on the computer editing thingy. i know my neice will have her birthday and graduation and that is so grand. i know my grandson is readying for driving lessons and my oldest g'daughter is doing extra credit in the summer to get a jump on her forensic science studies. i am looking forward to seeing our youngest 2 g'babes in florida this june and their mommy whom i love....that will help my heart just to get those hugs and kisses.
and yet i sit here once more unable to really DO anything more than is absolutely necessary. i would rather not eat than have to leave here to get food [again thank God for David who is gathering food right now for us-we are really into those roles right now: he, the hunter and gatherer and me, the nester and ???].
i would rather type this unending story of unfinished business of life and death than to get up and go live a life.
do i get credit for admitting that? were you ever told when you were young that GOD sits on a throne with a big book of life and takes names and gives +'s and -'s for good and bad? did you ever think that was a lot like what santa does too? i do digress. i am simply sharing my thoughts as they come - i think that is what the professor in my "extraneous writing" class at UTA was trying to teach me.
i like ' stream of conciousness' better, but again i wander.
and so i sit and type and thank you my readers i feel a bit better. looking forward a bit to being with my circle and to the other adventures i mentioned.
and finding some weird joy in missing my mom; for if i miss her being here with me as a physical presence then i must have felt SOME love from her and i must have felt love for her even when we were so estranged and confused. i know that i love her now in this moment and that is the most important part of my being - the here and now...mom even said that in her 'dementia' -
"i only know that i am here, now."
1 comment:
My Weeping Willow Bear,
Weep, Weep, Weep. How do any of us survive the loss of a mother? And yet, in right order, we all do! Of course you were loved and you love. YOU ARE LOVE! YOU ARE LOVE! YOU ARE LOVE!
I am soooooo glad that you allow me and even wish for me to be a part of your process. I give gratitude to My Beloved for making it possible for all of us to gather at exactly one year to be with you. Yes.
I have my notes that I scribbled on a paper plate from last year. It says, "It is not lost on me that during this time to learn about & experience energy of all sorts and levels, that we hold one sister in love as she grieves and deals with her mother's death while we celebrate the birth day of another sister. I think it underscores the lesson of balance and to remember the balance."
Hugs, melh
Post a Comment