it begins with a sigh, a dance and a song

i am not really sure what i am doing here (take that anyway you want). I have been inspired by MaryElizabeth and her desire/need to create a connection with our life on this planet. Gratitude Lady Hawk for that inspiration.
I want to share my experience with a close companion for several years now - GRIEF.
We grieve for many reasons and in many ways. I guess i hope to just share my way with you - and be assured, my way is not THE WAY. And it changes moment to moment - it may come in tears or in bursts of laughter or in a dance or song. I write. A lot. My journal is my close friend.
Be gentle with me as i am raw with so much emotion.
Read if you will a bit about my mom's transition from her earthly body to a glorious spirit who is now attuned to all the mystery and joy of REAL LIFE.

Chapter one - the END

After a long and painful transitioning dance with dementia/alzheimer's, my mom and i said goodbye in April this year. The last days of her life (well not the very last - that was a depth of anguish to which i had never before gone)...but a few months prior were the very best days of our relationship. We were able to relate without words - words which often in our 'regular' lives got in the way and caused more pain and which did not really MEAN anything.It was near the end when i sat with her and rocked her and called her MY baby that she reached out to me without any verbage at all.I sang - she liked Amazing Grace and God granted me the ability for that period of time to sing on key! When i sang and rocked she calmed and even slept peacefully - PEACE was so fleeting for her near the final tour-je-te' with this disease of hurt and of blessings.

She spent her last days trying so hard to leave and yet not wanting to go.
Wanting peace so badly. And when it came i accepted it on some level and rejoiced in it. But i have not yet made it to the gutter of my feelings and have had many other events that came after her death that have brought me to a totally different reality and a less furtive search for answers. You know that there are none, right? You make your own answers - you and spirit.

November 29 was her EarthBirthday and it was not as hard as i thought it might be. I awoke with her breath in my ear like when she hugged me as a child...a whisper that "i am here". And i talked with her a bit and wished her a happy birthday.
My sweet grand daughter asked me that day if i had sung to her the happy birthday song - i had not thought of that and so we did.

Chapter two - Other Things Before/Between

i forget. A LOT.

as mom's dance with dementia became a random-seeming mix of slowfastslow i found myself an unwitting (albeit, willing) partner.

keeping up the metaphor if you will allow dear reader, the pas de deux of dying was not meant for two - not 2 earthlings anyhow.
dying is that alone thing ... it is a transitional alamande only for you and God (eternal life force, spirit, creator).

AND YET I WOULD NOT LET GO OF HER HAND!

if you know me at all you may have noted a bit of obstinance here and there [ ;0) ]. and, ok, obsession. in a healthy way it shows as perseverance and loyalty and dedication. Unhealthily it can almost be the curtain call - yeah i guess i was determined to hold on until the curtain did fall and by then i was so heavily committed that i felt i may need to be COMMITTED!

what i really wanted to say here is a bit about all that other stuff that was [and is] going on since that day in fall '04 when i felt my mom slide into a totally different rhythm. she was talking; arguing the negative to each place my cousin and i suggested to stop for lunch. We were having a really uncomfortable road trip....really.

My cousin asked "well then," politely mind you, " where would YOU like to eat?"

no reply no movement nothing and then a click, tiny, in the aura around mom.

i sat in the seat behind her and i waited and i knew - i knew i knew and i did not address it except to say to my cuz that "this IS odd".

that was the day the two step began - maybe i should say side-step.Grief can be so scary. knowing life was about to change bigtime with that little glitch in our conversation, i did some really fancy footwork - it's called denial.
we greeted '05, my brother and i, by arguing with the doctor trying to get a diagnosis....this was finally accomplished much later ... after moving her from her apt to assisted living and finally to the nursing home.
what really helped get him on board was the nursing notes from a hospital stay (stay # 60, i believe)...that she tried to strangle a nurse, called 911 for help, called me at home to tell me of the zombies in the hall, tried to use the port-a-potty as a telephone [ for real].

i think what cinched it was our getting power of attorney (which was a really wicked-feeling struggle).

i got medical POA and B. got the general POA.

that is when the doc decided he might have to change his way of dealing or not dealing; he was in greater denial than either my bro or me.

Without the POA we had no way to help her as long as she was making wild and crazy decisions for herself.

As i was saying - other things. maybe i'll just list them here and do separate musings on them as this is getting to be a rather long story.

OK - chronologically :

march '05 - our son overdoses on sleeping pills and nearly dies ... coma, stomach pump, resusitation. he still calls me daily, per our agreement afterwards, to say "I am alive".

10 days later - my bro and i discover we have a maternal YOUNGER sister! that's definitely a story for later. wow! a definite stressor yes but such a joy in this turmoil.

thanksgiving and Christmas, 05 - i am not able to bring Hellen, my ward, home for the holidays as i am trying to manuever my mom in and out of the festivities and just can not cope.

november 3, '06 - Hellen drowns in the bath tub at the small group home where she lives. her case is still pending in the system - as of 12/08. it is a complete shock and i am still reaching for the peace i need for the loss.

january, '07 - our daughter in law leaves for florida, moving our younger grand babies far away. i fear for our son's survival. his oldest babies are here and his youngest there.

My friend, J, dies. i speak (i think) at the funeral.

after, i go to the bank to wire $ to our son who has helped move the little ones and is now stranded w/no way home.

august, '07 - i step into a HUGE hole in the grass and sprain my ankle and entire foot so severely that i cannot walk for weeks. then a subtle nerve damage sets in and i will work for a year to heal from the incident. we move into a new apt and all i can do is watch and grieve.

by this point i am seeing the hole as an in my face expression of the despair i am feeling and knowing i have really stepped into a chasm that seems to have no light.

november, '07 - the birthday party. i know this is her last earth birthday and i must do something. so i invite all family, friends, anyone.

and we have a blow out. Mom is too weak to take out so we do it at the home and even though she does not get who it is for or what, she is the center of attention of all these people (whoever they are). and she enjoys it for real!

i am all emotion - this is the beginning of our last dance and we all sing happy birthday. and i cry and i greet folks and mom sings and smiles and i cry.

early '08 - i recall watching a musical presentation at the nursing home -

standing outside the room where residents are participating. i can not move. mom is lying face down on the table in front of her wheelchair and she is neither dancing nor singing.

i am quite literally overcome, paralyzed even, with the knowing and the feeling.

i have tried so long to force the dr and the staff and everyone caring for her that she is sinking. And they will not listen. Even friends and family do not seem to get the impact. i can not move. i cry outside the room.

for her and for me.

april 26, '08 - MOM dies.

may 27, '08 - i fall down the stairs @work (what is it w/all this in my face/feet stuff? how about a cosmic email noting that my foundation has been knocked down?)

i fracture my foot and 2 toes, sprain my knee - just generally fall apart.

i have not had time to process mom's death and now i am in ER getting morphine and wondering what the hell is happening to me. [oops - can i say that?]

now there is workers comp and all that to deal with and yes that nerve-thing sets into that foot too!

september, 08 - our son moves to florida...with the encouragement of his teen children and our blessings he leaves to be near his other kiddos: his 11 yr old stepson and his "baby" who, at 4, has missed him terribly and for whom he has grieved.

Was it Bach, in Illusions, who said (something like),

"goodbyes are necessary in order to meet again"?

It seems my life of late has been one series of incessant
and painful goodbyes.
And, yes, i do know we are and always will be ONE

with those whom we love...

but i miss them all

so much.

october, '08 - after a wonderful retreat at Earthsprings, my friend and i are on our way home. i am driving her car and we are doing 65 on hwy 287. a pick up driver [dodge ram ya know - couldn't be a little one] who feels he must do 90 + passes a vehicle behind us to the left and hits us from behind.

we are sent skidding and spinning across 2 or 3 lanes and somehow miss the traffic and end on the median facing the opposite way (more about directions later).

anywaaay - we spend the night in ER (again). we were almost home...missed it by 'that much'.

the car is totalled but we are both ok - concusion, contusions, sprains and strains. but oK. now in PT and awaiting release so the settlement can happen and we can get on with it.

november, 08 (thought you were done, right?) - my husband and i are sued. yeah. one thing you lose in the grief process is the daily awareness of things like paying old bills.

this is for the dental work i had done yrs ago and they are deciding right now to sue me.

you know what ? i am trying to pay for my mom's headstone...i have nothing left.

chapter three - a funny thing happened on the way..

this has gotten too depressing - even for me - so i will give you an idea of the funny things that happen with alzheimers. My siblings and i have come to call these "Momisms".

Please see the post on Momisms, as i have grown tired of re-doing this one (what? just being honest.).