aha ~ reconciling suffering

[with gratitude to M.E.L.H. who posted "i should not be uncomfortable" on her ODD SOCKS blog]

i have for a long time been trying to get to the root of the idea that "life is suffering" [as Buddha said] and yet "pain is a given, suffering is optional" [i thought that DeMello said that but found that the Buddha, & others also spoke it].

well as another great, Mark B - my friend i have mentioned in other posts - taught me:

2 little truths that are opposites [or at least appear to be] usually equal the big TRUTH.

t + t = T ... hmm.

it is a very personally learned and lived with truth that i find many cannot seem to get when i speak it: i can be sad without being unhappy.

the piece by M.E. is so freeing regarding my attempt to find the 2 t's that become the big T here in all the pain of the last few years. it made me go - what? and then well of course, but.

then AHA!!!!

it is so simple and complex that i have to let go of all the thinking and just say wow. right.

it is true that we feel pain. in that respect we do suffer. but how we see the pain is the difference in suffering- as in being miserable and dejected and allowing that hurt to take over our perspective of LIFE.

i can give an example from my life with mom - just one of many. we went to moody, texas, mom's birthplace and home of my Aunt V on the farm. it was a couple of years before mom caught alzheimers. that visit was so full of joy for me. Aunt V and i reconnected and she even noted that there had always been a very deep and spiritual bond between we 2 that she never had with others...such a blessing to hear it from her, and at almost 90 years of age! sharp and feeling and beautiful woman of quiet strength and faith.

while there we visited also with my cousin and some family friends but it was on the farm, where my heart has always found bliss, that i wanted to be and with my auntie. i just found that trip to be inspiring and comforting; both Aunt V and i realizing there were only a couple more years of this life for her...and also content with that knowing. because without saying it we both also knew we would not lose our love-bond because of death.

we were each sad but definitely not unhappy.

my brother called me shortly after our return from Moody and asked "did you and mom go on the same trip last weekend?" this after my telling him about the pleasure it had brought me and Aunt V and all the gladness i felt.

i said that yes we had physically been in the same place and time but...

he said he had just listened to mom tell him that our aunt was just out of it and could not hear a thing and was on death's doorstep. she was distraught and very unhappy and complained loudly. obviously choosing to let the pain be the focus and wanting others to go with her into the suffering.

she had noted how rude and uncaring my cousin had behaved [my experience was that he chose not to put the pain up in neon lights. he and i had talked and i learned in just a very few minutes that he was suffering but was not allowing it to show].

of course the moral of the story is that it is that big T...we hurt, but when we allow things to become way more important than they need to be, then suffering becomes a way of looking a life in general. instead of accepting that which is uncomfortable we want to take a pill and get rid of it.
Mark said when mom died - as he did in other painful experiences i have faced - to "just be with it". do not seek to immediately get away from that which is not all light and easy. just see pain for what it is...universe's way of saying pay attention to what is real.

i say, i have learned to sit still and really be in it. sometimes it hurts like hell. but if i do not look at it and feel it i will not be able to put the pain and the suffeing in perspective and see that it is a part of life.

that does not mean i have to let it be my focus or my identity. i choose joy in the midst of grief. and i give thanks.